The New Ringbearer
by Smeagol Fasir Kenobi
Summary: Well . . . if I give away who the new Ringbearer in the story is, I'll ruin the suspense. But this is funny. Only rated PG for . . . swordfights involving a . . . certain Gondorian and a certain Ranger. And horses almost trampling Legolas.
1. The Beginning

1Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. I do not own Rivendell. Or Elrond. I own . . . a copy of the books that I have read a million times. That's it. My parents own the movie. :)  
  
Author's Note: Yes, I am making fun of Elrond. And Gandalf. And Frodo. And Gollum. And everyone else. Except Aragorn. He gets made fun of enough because of his hair.  
  
Chapter One  
  
"Elrond, we need more chairs!" Gandalf called to his friend across the room. Everything was ready for council except the chairs. They'd had a few unexpected guests. Boromir had brought his brother, Faramir. Eowyn had come from Rohan and Grima had insisted on escorting her. Haldir had come from Lorien. Merry and Pippin, as well, had, unknown to everyone else, found themselves an interesting companion.  
  
"What?" Elrond asked in astonishment. "I just . . . you didn't invite any of these people, did you?" he asked, noticing the . . . um . . . extras standing in the hall.  
  
Gandalf looked sheepishly at Elrond and started whistling 'Roads go ever on.' Elrond got the point. He sighed. "Nice going, Mithrandir," he whispered. Then, out loud, "Well, there's nothing we can do now. Go tell Erestor to get some more chairs."  
  
Later . . . . .  
  
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, some of you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. The rest of you came anyway." Elrond glanced suspiciously at Grima, who was glancing suspiciously at everyone else. A couple seats away, Faramir sat with his brother, Boromir. The younger son of Denethor was all smiles, for he had convinced his older brother to let him sit near the Elves–specifically, Haldir, who had on one of the most serious faces Legolas, who was next to him, had ever seen.  
  
Elrond was still a little annoyed with the rearrangement of the seating order. He'd originally wanted the Dwarves next to the Elves, in a token of their new alliance, but a Dwarf named Gimli had insisted on not sitting with Elves. The Dwarves were not on the right-hand side of the room. The Men were next, and then the Elves. On the very left were Gandalf and Frodo.  
  
Elrond continued. "Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction.. None can escape it–"  
  
Haldir politely raised his hand. "Excuse me, lord Elrond, but the Elves can escape. We sail over the Sea."  
  
Faramir smiled. He had been about to say the same thing. Legolas made a point of rolling his eyes.  
  
"Some of us aren't going, Haldir," Elrond reminded him. Legolas nodded. "You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom."  
  
Pippin glanced at his and Merry's companion, wondering what race he was.  
  
"What's the young Hobbit-breath staring at, Precious?"  
  
"Nothin'" Pippin answered immediately, not wishing to upset their friend and give away their hiding place.  
  
"Legolas," Haldir whispered. "Very quickly ad very quietly, go get your bow, and bring mine, too."  
  
"I'll get them," whispered Faramir, who had overheard. He rose, bowed to Elrond, and quickly made an exit.  
  
Elrond, trying to ignore everything else, decided the only thing to do was continue and hope for the best. "Bring forth the Ring, Frodo," he said, turning to the Hobbit on his left.  
  
"That's not a good idea," Haldir interrupted before Frodo could 'bring forth' anything, or even get up.  
  
"Why not?" Frodo asked, relieved to have the spotlight off him.  
  
"Gollum," Legolas answered.  
  
"He escaped the dungeons of Barad-dur!" Frodo exclaimed.  
  
"Escaped, or was set loose?" Gandalf asked quietly.  
  
"We won't mention what he did in Mirkwood," Aragorn smiled, shooting Legolas an amused look. The Elf promptly stuck out his tongue at his friend. Faramir returned with the two Elves' bows. He had also brought his own. "Now you may bring forth the Ring," Legolas said, fitting an arrow to his bow. Frodo obliged.  
  
Gollum knew he couldn't make it past Faramir, Legolas, and Haldir's bows, so he stayed still.  
  
"So it is true," Boromir whispered.  
  
"Told ya," Faramir smiled.  
  
Grima made a move to rise, but Eowyn stopped him. Haldir made note of yet another person to shoot if he tried to take the Ring.  
  
Boromir rose. "In a dream, I saw the Eastern sky grow dark, but in the West, a pale light lingered. A voice was crying," He turned to Faramir.  
  
"Seek for the sword . . ." his brother prompted.  
  
"Oh, yes. Thanks, little brother.  
  
'Seek for the sword that was broken.  
  
In Imladris it dwells.  
  
There shall be councils taken  
  
Stronger than Morgul-spells.  
  
There shall be shown a token  
  
That doom is near at hand,  
  
For Isildur's bane shall waken  
  
And the Halfwidth forth shall stand.'"  
  
"Halfling," Faramir whispered.  
  
"Halfling," Boromir agreed reluctantly. Then, moving towards the Ring, added softly, "Isildur's Bane."  
  
"Boromir!" Elrond shouted, but it was too late. Boromir reached for the Ring. Gollum sprang up out of his hiding place. Grima jumped up.  
  
Then, everything plunged into chaos. Arrows flew. People raced around, trying to figure out what to do. Gandalf rose and announced something in Mordorian. In all the ruckus, one hand closed around the Ring of Power.  
  
Muahahahahaha. Who has the Ring? Does Gollum finally have his Precious? Will Boromir use It to defend Minas Tirith? Will Grima take it to Saruman? Did Frodo take it back for safe keeping? Or will Middle-Earth perish? Muahahahahaha. :) 


	2. Mystery Revealed

1Disclaimer: I still do not own anything. Period. Not even the plot. Yet.

**Chapter Two**

Elrond was the first to notice the absence of the purpose of their Council. "Where is the Ring?" he asked in a loud voice. Everyone immediately stopped.

"Where isss Precioussss?" Gollum asked, cradling his arm. An arrow had nicked it, but no worse. The Elves had made sure of that.

"Everyone, sit down," Gandalf ordered. Aragorn and Frodo were already seated. Everyone else took their places immediately. Legolas seized Gollum's non-injured wrist and roughly dragged him over beside his chair.

"Um . . . Gandalf, where's the Ring?" a very frightened Hobbit asked.

"I don't know, Frodo. I don't have any answers."

"Please don't tell me you have to see the head of your order."

"Never again."

"Well, everyone's here. Whoever has the Ring doesn't have it on."

"Yes, that's a relief."

"Boromir, did you see who took it?" Faramir asked quietly.

"If I did, I'd be in the process of strangling whoever it was, little brother."

There was a gulp from the center of the room. All eyes turned, but saw nothing. "Oh, no," Frodo whispered.

"He won't strangle you," Faramir said gently. "Whoever you are, you can take It off."

"Are you sure?" Pippin asked.

"Yes," Gandalf said, smiling in a way only a wizard can.

"Okay." Pippin removed the Ring and placed it back on the table. Gollum tried to make a run for it, but Legolas held him fast.

"Nassssty Elf," he hissed. Legolas ignored him.

Sensing everything was calm again, Boromir rose. It is a gift," he insisted.

"My birthday pressssent," Gollum half-shrieked and half-whimpered.

"A gift to the foes of Mordor," Boromir corrected. "Why _not_ use this ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor," -- Faramir flinched at the mention of their father, but said nothing -- "kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of _our_ people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy! Let us use it against him!"

"You cannot wield it!" Aragorn was getting a little tired of Boromir's opinion that Gondor was the only place with problems. "None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."

Faramir gave him a thumbs-up sign. Aragorn smiled a little.

"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Boromir demanded.

"This is no mere ranger," Legolas said, rising and handing Gollum's wrist off to Haldir. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

Faramir's eyes got wide. The King of Gondor! Oh, dear. What would Denethor say? Probably that it was all Faramir's fault.

"Aragorn?" Boromir was just as surprised. "_This_ is Isildur's heir?"

"And heir to the throne of Gondor," Legolas added.

"Havo dad, Legolas," Aragorn advised.

"_Sit down_," Faramir translated for Gollum, who was trying to figure out if that _might _mean _"Give the Ring to Gollum, Legolas."_

"Um . . . speaking of sitting, where am I supposed to sit?" Pippin asked.

"Where were you before?" Elrond asked, glad to change the subject before things could get wild again.

"With him." He motioned to Gollum, figuring it was best not to tell Elrond that Merry was still back there.

"Come sit next to me," Faramir suggested. "I don't think Boromir will be sitting down anytime soon."

"Funny, little brother," Boromir smiled. Then, to Aragorn, "Gondor has no King. Gondor needs no King."

"Fine!" Aragorn shot back. "I need no kingdom!"

"Yes, you do!" Elrond insisted.

"And I need no Ring!" Frodo exclaimed.

"WE do!" Gollum cried. "My Precioussss!"

Everyone jumped up again, this time arguing about who needed what, whether Gimli needed his axe, Legolas his bow, Gandalf his staff, Aragorn his sword, Gollum his Precious. Only one small Hobbit said something quietly and without screaming his head off. "At least now I have a seat," Pippin smiled.

**Whoever reviewed this and didn't tell me who they were–**Yes, I like Pippin. Specifically, I have a great respect for innocence. It's something quite uncommon in the world these days. So we tend to make fun of it. But rest assured that Smeagol Fasir Kenobi will dump a good share of humor on those who seem to always know what they're doing–Gandalf, Boromir, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, to name a few. Not to mention poor Elrond.


	3. The Volunteer

1Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. But the sense of humor I use is all mine.

**Chapter Three**

Finally, everyone calmed down. They agreed that Gimli _did_ need is axe, Legolas _did_ need his bow, Gandalf _did_ need his staff, Aragorn _did _need his sword and not a kingdom, and that Gollum would _not_ get his Precious, no matter how much he _needed_ It.

"Sit down," Gandalf directed again. Only then did Boromir realize there was a Hobbit in his chair.

"Get up," Boromir sighed.

"And sit where?" Pippin asked, but then got and idea. He got up, and then sat down again -- on Faramir's lap.

"Nice choice," Boromir nodded, sitting down, but then Merry came running up and sat on _Boromir's _lap.

"Good," Faramir said. "Now my brother won't get up again."

Boromir scowled. Faramir had a bigger mouth when they weren't with their father. He almost wished Denethor was there, but then mentally slapped himself. Their father gave Faramir a hard time even when he did well. His little brother needed a break.

"Aragorn is right," Gandalf said, breaking the weird silence and getting everyone back on track. "We cannot use it."

"Yes, we can," Grima suggested. "In the right hands, the Ring has the power to stop Sauron _forever_."

"The Ring doesn't have the power to do that," Eowyn snapped. "Don't you get it, numbskull. They're the same thing. Sauron can't exist without the Ring, and the Ring can't exist without Sauron! As long as the Ring is still here, anywhere, Sauron _will_ come back."

"Yeah, what she said," Elrond said gratefully. "You have only one choice. The Ring must be destroyed."

"Noooooo!" Gollum shrieked. "My Precioussss!"

His cries fell on deaf ears. With a _"Well, what are we waiting for," _Gimli took his axe and tried to chop the Ring in half. To Gandalf's surprise, Frodo didn't react except for a look that showed he knew that wouldn't work. If burning the Ring in a hot fire wouldn't work, an axe would do no good.

"What is it, Gandalf?" Frodo asked, noticing the Wizard was looking at him strangely.

"Nothing."

Frodo was about to insist that that look was not_ nothing_, but Elrond spoke up.

"The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess."

"Preciousss," Gollum whimpered softly. He buried his head in the one hand Legolas hadn't taken back from Haldir.

"Oh, stop it," Haldir grumbled.

"The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasms from whence it came."

"NO!" Gollum insisted.

"Oh, just stop," Legolas sighed. "We all know you won't approve of any of our plans."

"One of you must do this," Elrond finished. Gollum whimpered a little but said nothing.

"One does not simply walk into Mordor," Boromir reminded them.

"Oh?" Pippin asked. "Could we ride Bill? I don't think I want to walk that far."

Boromir smiled. "Its black gate is guarded by more than just Orcs. There is an evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful." He made a circle with his hand.

"Pip," Merry whispered, "if the Eye looks like _that_, we shouldn't have a problem." Pippin giggled.

"It is a barren wasteland, with fire, and ash, and dust."

"And cruel Orcses, and dust, and thirst," Gollum agreed, the first thing he'd agreed with so far.

Faramir gently took Pippin's hand in his. He knew his brother was scaring the young Hobbit. Merry, too, had climbed off Boromir's lap and joined Pippin on his brother's.

"Not with ten thousand men could you do this." Boromir didn't notice he was freaking the two youngest Hobbits. "It is folly."

Legolas jumped up, once again handing Gollum off to Haldir. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!"

The whole council erupted again. Gimli shouted that he didn't trust Elves, Gandalf that they all needed to work together, and Gollum that he needed his Precious. Frodo jumped up and started yelling at Gollum for being such a _Precious addict._ Only Faramir couldn't get up, for he still had a Hobbit on each leg. Everyone besides those three, even Elrond and Erestor, was yelling at the top of their lungs.

Pippin looked at Merry. "This is getting nowhere," he sighed. "We'll never get to eat."

"Afraid so, Pip."

"Maybe I should . . ."

"Go ahead," Faramir nodded, easing the Hobbit off his leg.

"I will take it!" Pippin shouted.

**Deagol Smeagol – **Yeah, I couldn't think of a funnier Ringbearer. Frodo's too serious for my tastes. I have a feeling the weight of the Ring won't be so heavy on Pippin.

**Sarah – **Hmmmm . . . a new Fellowship. Well, there _is_ one person I'll probably add to the Fellowship . . . but I don't think I'll get rid of any of the old ones. They're too funny.


	4. The Fellowship

1Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. I do not own Rivendell. And I do not own the new addition to the Fellowship.

**Chapter Four**

"I will take the Ring to . . . um, Merry?" Pippin hesitated.

"Gondor," Merry whispered, waiting to see if his cousin would buy it.

"Gondor," Pippin readily announced.

"Yes!" shouted Boromir.

"What?" shouted Gandalf.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" shouted Elrond.

"Mordor!" Frodo shouted at Pippin. "_Mor_dor!"

"Oh. Is there a difference?"

Merry jumped off Faramir's leg and put his arm around Pippin's shoulders. "You'll need help, Pip. You don't know the way. I will help you bear this burden, Peregrin Took, for as long as it is yours to bear." He was hoping to impress Gandalf with the fancy wording for _"I want to go, too."_

"No, you won't!" Elrond said firmly. "_Neither_ of you is going!"

"With all due respect, Lord Elrond," Faramir volunteered, "Pippin may be a better Ringbearer than you think. His innocent nature may protect him from its power longer than anyone else."

"He doesn't even know where he's going!"

"So he'll need _help_," Merry suggested again.

"Well, yes," Elrond agreed reluctantly. Everyone but Merry and Pippin was seated by then.

Frodo stood, and Sam rushed out from behind some bushes upon realizing his master intended to go with Merry and Pippin. They stood by the two Hobbits. "You two got us this far; Sam and I will make sure you get the rest of the way," Frodo said. Sam nodded.

Gandalf came over and stood behind Pippin. "Are you sure you want to do this?" the Wizard asked. "The Ring is a heavy burden."

Merry came immediately to Pippin's defense. "You yourself said that you could ask no more of Frodo. You said you wouldn't touch the Ring. Who _will_ do this, if he doesn't?" He turned to Elrond. "Hobbits show extraordinary resilience to the Ring's evil. You said that yourself."

"You little spy," Elrond accused.

"So _we_ will do it. _The Ring cannot stay here,_ you said. No one else but Gollum has volunteered to take it."

"He's right, I guess," Gandalf agreed.

Aragorn came over with only a shade of doubt left in his expression. "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."

Gandalf winked at Elrond. "Well, if Pippin's going, he'll probably get to Gondor sooner or later," the Half-Elf sighed.

"And you have my bow," Legolas said, once again shoving Gollum in Haldir's direction.

"And my axe," Gimli added.

Pippin looked confused. "Why would I want your bow and your axe?" he asked. "I don't know how to use them."

"What?" Elrond asked.

"Well, _he_ just said, _You have my sword, _and then _he_ said, _You have my bow,_ and _he_ just said, _And my axe._ I didn't take anything!"

Gandalf burst out laughing. "What?" Pippin asked. "What did I do?"

"Here, young Hobbit," Gimli said between laughs, handing Pippin a small axe he normally used for throwing.

Legolas left for a moment and then returned carrying a smaller bow he'd used when his father asked him to give the younger elves a few lessons. He handed it to Pippin.

"But I don't know what to do with these," Pippin insisted.

"Show you later," Aragorn smiled. "You have the sword I gave you at Weathertop."

Boromir looked at Faramir. Faramir looked at Boromir. They both came over and stood by the others. "You carry the fate of us all, little one," Boromir reminded Pippin. "If this is indeed the will of the Council, then Gondor will see it done." Faramir just stood silently by Legolas. No matter what lay ahead, this moment was fantastic.

"_Ten_ companions?" Elrond asked, and then shrugged. "So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."

"Great," Pippin grinned. "We're goin' to Mirkwood, right?"

**Maidens-of-the-Dragon's-Zodiac–**Agreed. Frodo and Pippin might do a better job than anyone _else_ who's running. :)

**Pippinsgal1011890–**Yes, poor Faramir. Gets blamed for everything by everyone. :) including me. :)


	5. The Mountains of CarrotDress

1Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Pippin is not mine. Drat.

**Chapter Five**

"The Ringbearer is setting out on his quest for Mount Doom," Elrond announced.

"I thought we were goin' to Mordor!" Pippin objected.

"Mount Doom's in Mordor, Pip," Merry whispered.

"Oh."

"On you who go with him no oath nor bond is laid to go further than you will, though I sincerely hope at least one of you will decide to go all the way with him because it's quite likely he would start to make pleasant conversation with an Orc and accidentally mention your quest," Elrond sighed.

"I will _not_," Pippin said indignantly. "What's an Orc?"

Elrond fought to keep his temper -- and his laughter -- controlled. "Farewell," he managed to say. "Hold to your purpose, and may the blessings of Elves and Men and all free folk go with you."

"The Fellowship awaits the Ringbearer," Gandalf said, sounding quite ceremonious.

"What? I'm right here!" Pippin looked even more confused. Merry smiled but didn't say anything. Elrond sighed.

"Preciousss?" Gollum pleaded one more time, quite pitifully. Haldir was taking him back to the Elves of Mirkwood as soon as the Fellowship was a safe distance away, namely, when the Quest was completed.

"No," Haldir said firmly.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!" Gollum screamed. Pippin turned and ran out of Rivendell, covering his ears.

Legolas caught up to him first. "That's the wrong way, mellon nin," he said, not even out of breath. "Mordor's left. Come. The others are waiting for us."

"What's a melon nin?" Pippin asked. "I've heard of a melon pie and a melon plant, but what's a melon nin?"

Legolas groaned and led Pippin back to the rest of the Fellowship.

A few days later . . .

Gandalf was saying something about the Misty Mountains. Pippin wasn't paying any attention. He and Merry were trying to swordfight Boromir. Frodo and Sam were trying to fight Faramir. None of the Hobbits were winning.

"From there, our road turns East to Mordor," Gandalf said to no one in particular.

"Two, one, five," Boromir counted, trying to keep in time with the two Hobbits.

"Is that how they count in Gondor?" Aragorn whispered to Legolas. "Now I _really_ don't want to be their king." Gimli was going on about some cousin of his and Gandalf was doing his best to keep a straight face. Everyone was content.

Then a couple -- okay, maybe more than a couple -- birds flew over and Gandalf announced that they needed to take the path of Carrot-Dress, or at least that's what Pippin thought he said until Legolas explained that Caradhras was Redhorn in Elvish.

"Oi, but Boromir's horn is brown and white," Pippin objected. Legolas sighed. Gandalf shrugged and started to lead them up the mountain.

"And that's how the Noldor, led by Feanor, came to Middle-Earth," Faramir finished after they'd gone too far for Pippin to care if the human carrying him was talking about Feanor or the Green Dragon. Faramir ruffled the young Hobbit's hair encouragingly and continued.

Boromir plugged one ear. His other hand was around Merry, half holding the Hobbit up. At last, seeing Gandalf was not going to have pity and stop anytime soon, he picked Merry up. Faramir had, by that time, reached Fingolfin's crossing into Middle-Earth and succeeded in lulling Pippin to sleep.

"You can stop now," Legolas invited, motioning at the sleeping Hobbit in Faramir's arms.

"Oh, all right," Faramir shrugged. "I just thought you might want to hear about --"

"Faramir, I know everything there is to know about Elven history, but hannon le, anyway." Faramir grinned and watched as Legolas effortlessly dashed to the head of the group.

"Gandalf, the Ringbearer is asleep," the Elf pointed out. "The sun's almost set. Shouldn't we stop for the night?"

"Just a little farther."

"Mithrandir, I know what _you_ mean by _a little_. We should stop."

Gandalf glanced over his shoulder. The rest of the Fellowship was a half-mile behind, invisible in the twilight to all save Legolas. "Oh, very well; we can stop," Gandalf agreed reluctantly.

Legolas rushed back to the others with the news -- only a half-mile to go. Merry was all but asleep, and Frodo and Sam were starting to nod. "Will we get to eat when we stop?" Sam asked, yawning.

"Um . . . I can go ask Gandalf," Legolas suggested.

"We can wait until we get there," Aragorn said, placing Sam on Bill and scooping up Frodo. He was all too sick of the Elf showing off how fast he could run.

As it turned out, there was little to eat, but most of them were too tired, anyway. Gandalf spread out the blankets (A/N: They have them because I said so.) and the humans laid the sleeping and almost asleep Hobbits down.

Pippin awoke to a pile of snow in his face and the rest of the Fellowship arguing about whether they should run headlong into more snow, a dark underground city, or a land full of horses. Pippin closed his eyes and decided to let them fight it out.

Just then, Boromir announced that this _"will be the death of the Hobbits."_ _That_ woke Pippin up.

"What will?" he asked innocently.

"The snow," Faramir sighed.

"Let the Ringbearer decide," Gandalf said reluctantly.

It took Pippin a moment to realize the Wizard was referring to him. "Well," he said, thinking out loud, "I don't like the dark, and I don't want to freeze. Let's see some horses."

Muahahahaha. This is where I can make up my own plot from now on. Hahahahahahaha.

**Pippinsgal11011890–**'New age Mithrandir.' I like the sound of that. The half-Elf is Elrond, by the way, even though he doesn't like to admit he's half human. Oh, and I'm fourteen. Seems like I never act 14, though. Either I act a lot older or a lot younger. Mostly younger. But when I'm writing, that's the exception. "New age Mithrandir," huh? I like that.

**Ice Ember–**Yes, Pippin is so young. We needed a younger Ringbearer. Frodo's what, fifty? And, yes, it is good that Hobbits don't weigh as much as you'd think they would eating so much, or else Faramir would have some pretty sore legs. But what were you doing awake at 6:20 in the morning? Besides reading my fanfic, that is. :)


	6. The Steward and the King

Disclaimer: LOTR is still not mine. But from this point on, the plot _is_. Muahahahaha.

**Chapter Six**

The Steward and the King

"So be it," Gandalf said with a sigh after Boromir reminded him, quite cheerfully, that _he_ was the one who had said, _"Let the Ringbearer decide."_

At that moment, however, Pippin decided it was a good time for a snowball fight. The rest of the Fellowship gladly joined in. In all the commotion, Boromir and Aragorn snuck away for a little talk.

"I do _not_ want to go to your crazy city and be king!" Aragorn complained.

"My city's not crazy!"

"You're crazy to live right next to the most dangerous place in Middle-Earth!"

"That's not craziness! It's courage!"

"It's stupid. Now _Rohan's_ smart. And the king has a good head on his shoulders."

"Theoden?"

"No; Thengel."

"He's dead."

"Dead?!?"

"Uh . . . yeah."

"Man, I've been away too long. When I last saw Theoden, he was an itty-bitty little kid. Pippin made a good choice. Even considering Saruman."

"Yeah. What did Gandalf say about him?"

"He's bonkers."

"Oh, yeah. Come on; let's get back."

"Uh . . . Boromir?"

"Yeah?"

"Which way is it?"

Boromir looked around. "Good question."

Aragorn paused and smelled the wind. "I think we came from that way."

"How can you tell? All the snow looks exactly alike."

"Well, do you want to lead?"

"Oh, no; you're the king."

"I don't even _want_ to be king!"

"So?"

"You just don't want to make the decision and be wrong!"

"Oh, yeah?" Boromir asked, drawing his sword.

"Yeah," Aragorn grinned, drawing his.

— — — — — — — — —

Meanwhile, the others had finished the snowball fight. Everyone was exhausted, but delighted.

It was Faramir who first noticed the absent humans.

"Maybe they got buried in all the snow," Sam suggested, noticing his pack was missing, as well. They all dug through the snow. They found Sam's pack, but nothing else.

Just then, they heard a voice echoing over the mountains. "Fly, you fools!" it shouted.

"That was Boromir," Faramir said quietly.

"We should do what he said, lads," Gimli said.

Pippin looked up from a snowball he'd been planning to throw at Faramir while he was still distracted. "How?" the young Hobbit asked innocently. "I can't fly."

— — —

Okay, I just _had _to do that. No one said it in the book or the movie. I just had to.

And I had to separate Boromir and Aragorn from the Fellowship, too, much as I hate to do it, because I needed something close to the equivalent of Gandalf's death. And quick.

Don't worry–they won't be sad for long.

**

* * *

**

**Ice Ember–**boy, I could never get up that early, for whatever reason. But then, by the time I go to bed . . . . we won't go there. I'm glad you like the humor, because it's not going to go away. :)

**SirNotAppearingInThisFilm–**Yes! Frodo whines way too much! And whimpers, and complains, and screams, and doesn't trust anyone, and is afraid of everything, and . . . well, you get the point. Pippin's so much easier to work with. Which explains why absolutely none of my fics (as of yet) center on Frodo. He got three books and three movies. He doesn't need a bigger head. :)

**Pippinsgal1011890–**Well, Pippin _is _cute; there's no way anyone can change that; it's the way Tolkien made him. And he'll probably pick up a clue sooner or later. But I _do _enjoy his cluelessness.


	7. Horses of Rohan

**Chapter Seven**

Horses of Rohan

* * *

Far to the south, Saruman was chuckling to himself. What a nasty trick to play on Gandalf. Now he would think Aragorn was dead. And he got to throw Boromir into the bargain, as well.

* * *

"A lot of good that swordfight did us," Boromir complained.

"Wel, if we hadn't circled so much, I might actually remember which way was they way back."

"The circling was your fault."

"I'm used to it. When you're fighting a million on one, you have to circle around so that no one stabs you in the back. It was purely instictual."

Boromir smiled. "You're not used to one-on-one combat, are you?"

"Nope, not at all."

"I practice all the time with Faramir."

"One by choice, one by necessity, but warriors both," Aragorn mumbled.

"Huh?"

"I have no idea. It sounded good."

"It sounded like my brother."

"Time with the Elves'll do that to you. I think it's this way."

"As you wish, my king."

Aragorn turned around, a look of disgust on his face. "Don't say that."

* * *

"My feet hurt," Pippin complained.

"I'm tired," Merry added.

"I'm hungry," Sam joined in.

"I'm cold," Frodo sighed.

"I see something!" Legolas called from the front. "Four horses, coming this way."

"We're too far north to be in Rohan already," Faramir pointed out.

But Gandalf was already shouting, "Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?"

"Um . . . Gandalf . . . it's not riders. Just horses," Legolas said, thinking the Wizard needed to get glasses, or perhaps a haircut.

Gandalf shrugged. "Horses of Rohan! What news from the Mark?"

"Maybe they're hungry, too," Pippin suggested when the horses said nothing.

"All right, all right, we'll stop," Gandalf sighed. "But no snowball fights. You saw what happened last time, fool of a Took."

"Okay, no snowball fights," Pippin agreed. "Can we build a snowman."

Gandalf nodded. Instantly, Merry and Pippin put aside all thoughts of food and started rolling big balls of snow.

Just then . . .

"Lad, look out!" Gimli shouted. No one moved becasue they all thought the Dwarf was talking to someone else. Gimli jumped at Legolas and pushed him out of the way just in time to stop him from being trampled by a horse.

"Stupid, clumsy Dwarf!" Legolas shouted, not realizing he had just been saved. "Why did you--" Then he stopped short, for the horse had knocked Gimli to the ground, which, really, wasn't all that far. "Gimli, why--" he started again.

"Lad," the Dwarf said as Gandalf helped him to his feet, "just because I don't trust ya doesn't mean I want ya to get trampled."

"You . . . you saved my life. But really, Gimli. Lad? Strange thing to call someone who's more than two-thousand years older than you."

Gimli shrugged. "You look younger."

"I'm an Elf."

"Don't remind me. When do we eat?"

"Yeah, I'm starving," agreed Pippin. He'd just finished his snowman, which consisted of a small body and a huge head.

Faramir chuckled. "What is it?" Legolas asked.

"I think Pippin just made my dad." He sat down by the Hobbits. "So what do you call this meal?"

"Early late second supper."

"Sounds good," Gimli said cheerily. "Whatcha got, Gandalf?"

"Apples."

As Gandalf tossed him one, nearly hitting him on the head, a tear came to Pippin's eyes. Poor Aragorn.

* * *

At that moment, _Poor Aragorn _and_ Poor Boromir _were lost in the snow. Still.

They'd come up with a plan for what to do if they ever made it as far as Minas Tirith. As soon as the last battle was over, Aragorn would sneak off into the wild. Boromir would make a big deal about the king dying while _"nobly defending his people,"_ and Aragorn would get off scot-free and get to be Strider the ranger again.

It would work perfectly as long as Gandalf didn't spoil it.

* * *

The rest of the Fellowship, meanwhile, had finished early late second supper, which was likely to be the _only _supper that day. They were ready to set off.

Pippin rode with Gandalf on a horse the Hobbit soon learned was named Shadowfax. Gandalf had agreed to this only after Faramir, who was riding with Merry, had agreed to switch Hobbits every so often. As Gandalf trusted Faramir, it wouldn't be a problem to have him riding with the Ringbearer.

Legolas and Gimli rode together. Legolas, at least, trusted the Dwarf more. Sam had insisted on riding Bill so that the pony wouldn't get lonely, so Frodo was left alone on the last horse, a smaller one, as well as the only one with a saddle.

Merry and Pippin were firing questions at Gandalf and Faramir, about Rohan, the people, the horses, the food, everything. They kept switching, but that didn't help. Gandalf tried pulling his hat down over his ears, but it didn't work. Finally, Faramir volunteered to take both Hobbits. It was a little crowded, but now Frodo got to ride with Gandalf, who was most grateful.

Merry and Pippin were quieter now. They were talking in whispers. They were planning something, Gandalf knew, but decided to let Faramir find that out for himself.

"Okay," Pippin whispered. "On the count of three. One, two, three."

* * *

Muahahahahahaha. What are they planning now? At the moment, quite honestly, I don't know. So if anyone has any ideas, I'm open to advice.

**SirNotAppearingInThisFilm–**Well, as you know now, Boromir and Aragorn did _not _kill each other. I don't have the heart to kill anyone in what is supposed to be a funny fic.

**Ice Ember–**Yes, the first time I read that chapter in the book, I didn't have time to make that joke because I was so stunned, but when I went back and read it again . . . well, I always thought someone should have said that. But, then, I like humor. Even my non-humor stories aren't completely serious. (there's some suspense, some action, some humor, etc. Not trying to brag. I can't do romance worth beans. Not that I've ever tried.) :)

**Minou–**Is this possible? Did I actually find another Radagast fan! Yeah!!!! Oh, yes, he'll be showing up sooner or later. Now that there's been a request for him, probably sooner.

**Crusading Hobbit–**Yes, Pippin will need a _lot _of help getting into Mordor. (Mental, physical, psychological, grammatical . . . ) :)

**Eilidh the Nitwit– **:) Yeah, show me someone who doesn't love Pippin and I'll show you a Vulcan. Or my mom. :) The two terms basically mean the same thing. She can't stand naivety. In fact, I respect it. And make fun of it. Remarkable how often those two traits coincide. Sorry. I'm also a Jack Sparrow fan. :) _(hey, hey, stop it, stop it. _Okay! Captain _Jack Sparrow. Sheesh. Maybe my mom's not the only Vulcan around here. Take a joke, would ya, Athos.) _My apologies. Fellow pirate fan. Now I have to go eat dinner. (No, not second dinner or early late first dinner. Just plain old ordinary leftover-spaghetti dinner.) :)


	8. The White Riders

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. But the weird plot is mine, all mine. Muahahahaha.

**Chapter Eight**

"Boromir, look up there!" Aragorn called.

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"Aragorn, what's a plane?"

"A big open field. But you're right -- it _is _a bird. Hey, down here!" he called.

And the bird _did_ turn. "What?" called a voice.

"Radagast!" Aragorn excalimed.

"Hurry-get-on-your-fellowship-is-in-danger-Saruman-has-created-an-army-of-Uruk-hai-and-Theoden-king-of-Rohan-has-fallen-under-the-spells-of-Grima-Wormtongue-and-banished-his-nephew-we-have-to-get-moving-and-wake-the-Ents!"

Boromir glanced at Aragorn with a confused expression. Was this Wizard even speaking in the Common Tongue? "One more time, please?" Boromir asked.

"Your friends are headed into a war zone!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Thaaaaaat's what you said," Aragorn nodded. "We're . . . uh . . . sort of lost, so if you could give us a lift . . . ."

Radagast sighed and nodded. "Just get on."

"Who are you, anyway?" Boromir asked as they took off.

"I'm Gandalf's cousin."

"Really?"

"No, actually I'm his third cousin four times removed or his fifth cousin three times removed, but it's simpler to say I'm his cousin."

Boromir couldn't tell whether the Wizard was kidding or not.

* * *

"Go!" Pippin shouted. He and Merry each grabbed one end of the reins Faramir was holding and pulled back. The horse reared up for a moment and then took off across the plain. "Yahoooooo!" Pippin yelled.

"Wheeeeeeeeeee!" Merry agreed.

Once Faramir recovered from almost being thrown as the horse reared back, he joined them in cheering. Legolas, the only one who still had them in sight, almost burst out laughing. _This _was the son of the Steward of Gondor?

That was until Gimli pulled back on _their _horse's reins.

"I thought you were trying to _save_ me from horses," Legolas insisted as they followed Merry, Pippin, and Faramir. Gimli shrugged.

"Faramir!" Gandalf called. "Come back!"

But the horse wasn't under Faramir's control.

Just then, a huge shadow loomed above them. "There they are," Boromir told Radagast, who had already figured that out.

"Rihiawg nwod su ekat," Radagast told the eagle.

"What does that mean?" Boromir asked.

"'Take us down, Gwaihir,'" Aragorn said. "Elvish."

"No, backwards," Radagast corrected as they swooped down in front of Merry, Pippin, Faramir, Legolas, and Gimli.

"It cannot be!" Faramir exclaimed. "You fell!"

"Through snow, and air," Boromir nodded.

"But Boromir, Aragorn," Pippin said, confused, looking at the snow all over their clothes and hair, "you are all in white now."

* * *

Oh, dear. Poor confused little Pippin. (grins)

**Ice Ember – **Yes, I try to have everyone say or do something stupid. Gandalf is no exception. Such as yelling at Faramir to come back when he probably can't even hear him. And what will he do now that his cousin has entered the plot? Muahahahaha. Poor Aragorn. It doesn't look like his plan for not becoming king is going to work, does it?

**SirNotAppearingInThisFilm – **Hmmmm. Maybe they'll tackle him later. Right now, they'll settle for startling him.

**Rhys – **Glad you liked it. I do love making people indecisive about their reactions. :) You never know who's going to get what jokes. My mom didn't get any of them. My sister got ones I didn't even know I'd put in there. :) I also enjoy putting these little smiley faces in. :) :) :) Writing humor always puts me in a good mood.

**Rosie 26 – **Yes, I am fourteen. Yes, I realize most people on this site are older than me. But I also realize the minimum age was thirteen, so I guess I'm okay. Glad you liked the council. I had a lot of fun writing it. A lot of it came from jokes my sister and I made up while watching The Fellowship of the Ring for the hundredth time at midnight, which is when she goes really cuckoo. Then our mom and dad always tell us to be quiet. And we laugh even harder. (sighs) Life is good.


	9. The Deal

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Even Radagast is not mine, though I had to make up a lot of his personality because basically all the book says is that he likes birds. (sighs) Oh, well.

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

Aragorn just rolled his eyes at Pippin's remark. Radagast smiled. They _were_ pretty white from the snow.

"Gandalf, hurry up!" the Wizard called. Gandalf and Frodo stayed in the back with Sam, anyway, and took their merry time catching up while Aragorn, Boromir, and Radagast dismounted.

"What seems to be the problem, Radagast?" Gandalf asked. He wasn't required to give his cousin a lecture on why he arrived precisely when he meant to.

So Radagast explained the problem.

"Then we must ride to Fangorn Forest," Gandalf concluded. Radagast nodded his approval.

"Why don't we just fly there?" Pippin suggested, gesturing to the eagles.

Everyone turned in surprise. Had Pippin actually said something smart? Was that possible?'

"And while we're at it," Pippin continued, "why don't we just ride the eagles into Mordor? We'd get there a lot quicker."

Gandalf realized he needed to think of something fast. Pippin couldn't be right. There was some rule against it. But the Wizard was stumped.

Faramir helped Pippin off the horse, realizing that Gandalf was going to take a while. Pippin walked up to the eagle, who promptly lifted off and flew away.

"Gwaihir!" Radagast called, but the eagle did not come back.

"It's the Ring!" Gandalf exclaimed. "The eagles won't have anything to do with the Ring!"

"Are you sure it isn't just that Pip hasn't had a bath?" Merry asked.

Gandalf nodded. "Quite sure, Master Brandybuck. He had no problems with Aragorn."

Aragorn looked annoyed, but then decided it wasn't a good idea to look annoyed at a Wizard.

"I guess we'd better get going to Fangorn," Gandalf decided.

"And I guess I'll go with you," Radagast agreed, "seeing as my ride home just took off without me."

Pippin groaned. Now there would be _two_ Wizards calling him a Fool of a Took. "Can we eat lunch first?" he asked.

"You just had lunch," Gandalf argued, "or whatever meal that was."

"I didn't," Radagast put in.

Pippin smiled and decided he liked the Wizard as he promptly got to work finding the food. "Wizard cousins don't act much alike, do they?" he asked with a grin.

Gandalf glared at Radagast. "No, we don't. Some of us do things. Some of us sit around in Mirkwood and do nothing."

Radagast had learned better than to get annoyed at that. Sometimes Gandalf just needed to insult someone. Usually his little cousin. Besides, he was still looking for . . .

"Aha! I knew you had it!"

"What?" Gandalf asked, suddenly looking quite sheepish.

"It's the pipe you 'borrowed' from me three winters ago."

"Ah, yes."

"I suppose you've smoked all the pipeweed you 'borrowed.'"

"What else would I do with it? You can have your pipe back."

Radagast smiled and busied himself bringing out the food for another meal, whatever meal it was. The Hobbits sat down immediately, and the others - even Gandalf - soon joined them.

"You see," Radagast was explaining to Aragorn, "Gandalf was on his way through Mirkwood, and, not having any 'pressing business,' or 'immediate problems,' he stopped at my house and challenged me to a smoking contest.

The Hobbits nodded their approval. Aragorn smiled. He knew where this story was going. Gandalf had played the trick on him several times.

"Well, he was ahead by a little when he said he heard something at the door that sounded rather like a lot Dwarf. Now, I make it my business to help Dwarves who get lost in Mirkwood. When they find me before the Elves find them," he added with a glance at Gimli. "So, naturally, I went to look. When I came back, having found absolutely nothing, my pipe, and the rest of the pipeweed, had 'disappeared.' Of course, my cousin here declared that since I could not find my pipe - I checked everywhere - he'd won."

Aragorn nodded. "What did you have to do?"

"Stand on my head and sing the alphabet backwards."

"That's not so bad."

"In Elvish, with a Dwarven accent."

"Okay, that's bad."

"Hey!" Legolas and Gimli said at once, not sure which one of them the Wizard and the Ranger were trying to insult.

"And I still can't figure out where he put it," Radagast complained.

"Me, neither," Aragorn agreed.

"Checked his cape?"

"Yeah."

"Bags?"

"Yeah."

"Horse?"

"Yeah."

"Me, too. Never found it."

Gandalf was grinning. They'd never figure it out.

"Well, isn't it rather obvious?" Pippin asked.

For the second time, everyone turned to look at Pippin. "You don't even know," Gandalf argued.

"Do so."

"Do not."

"If I'm right, we get to stop to eat whenever I want to."

"If you're wrong, you're quiet whenever I tell you to be."

Pippin thought for a moment. "Deal." They shook hands.

"Where'd he put it?" Radagast asked.

Pippin smiled. "In his hat."

* * *

Muahahahahaha. But is Pippin right or not? Will he have to be quiet or will he get to run the Quest the way he wants it?

**Ice Ember–**Well, it would seem that Pippin likes Radagast for the present. But how long will it take before even Radagast gets annoyed with the Hobbit's talkativeness? Hmmm . . . quite a while if Gandalf wins this one, huh?

**Crusading Hobbit–**Yes, indeed, and if they end up stopping whenever they want to, Pippin will have even more opportunities to lose the Ring or forget it completely (or leave it in a tree stump, or hide it in Gandalf's hat, or try to burn it when he's smoking, or put it in Gimli's drink, or . . . well, you get the point.) :)

**Lhaewin–**Welcome and really glad you like it. I will probably learn to update sooner now that the cross-country season is finally over. Man, that lasted forever! Shouldn't complain. Varsity goes longer. But still. Helps to complain sometimes. Don't get to much considering our coach is the school counselor. :)

**Arsinole Selene–**Well, I needed to make some sort of stupid joke at the end of the chapter, and they were all white because of the snow, so . . . Aragorn the White instead of Gandalf the White. Except that Aragorn probably won't stay white for long. (laughs for a while before friend covers mouth) Just doesn't look the same on him.

**Pippinsgal1011890–**All right, I'll confess now; I know nothing of computers. I assume you're referring to some sort of IM, which I don't have, and would have no idea how to use even if I did. I'll probably end up E-mailing you sometime, but I also have a tendency to neglect my E-mail, so . . . um . . . if I don't reply immediately, it doesn't mean I'm mad or hate you or anything. It just means I'm not very organized, and if you won't take my word on that, just ask my English teacher. Folder's a wreck, and, man, is she _way _too picky about how you cite stuff! :) Oh, well. She hasn't yet complained about my report on Jurassic Park, and that jumped all over the place, so I can't complain too much. Of course, we just turned it in yesterday and she probably hasn't even read it yet, but, well, such is life. Never without its sharp turns and speedbumps. :) As my dad would say, "Life's an adventure." And this is way too long already. Namarie, mellon nin.


	10. Are Elf Ears Sharp?

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. This crazy Fellowship is not mine. But most of the jokes are. My sister came up with a few. :) Older sisters are good for something! Can you believe it?!? :)

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

"You crazy Hobbit!" Gandalf erupted. "How did you know? You're not supposed to know things like that! Someone must've told you! But no one else knew, either! How did you . . . ?"

"Relax, Mithrandir," Faramir encouraged. "Take it easy. It's not that big a deal."

"Not that big a deal!?! A Hobbit is in charge of the Fellowship! One who wants to stop every ten minutes for some reason or other! One who's always complaining! One who doesn't even know where we're going, much less how to get there! So don't you tell me it's not a big deal!"

Pippin smiled. "Well, it's pretty obvious you could fit just about anything in that hat. How do you keep something that big from falling down over your face? Doesn't it get hot? Does it protect you from sunburn or something? Speaking of which, Legolas, don't you ever get sunburn? Your skin is so pale! And how do you stay so clean? The rest of us get all covered in dirt, and you look like you just got a bath! How do you do it?"

The Elf shrugged, unsure which question he was supposed to be answering. "Elves are naturally hard to sunburn."

"Oi. Are you still answering that question?"

"Well, if you'd been listening, you'd know I hadn't answered it before."

"Why should I listen when you're not talking."

"Because silence is golden," Gandalf put in.

"Who said that."

"Some old dead person."

"See? People who say things like that always get old and die. It's because they listen too much. It wears out your ears."

"My ears hurt plenty right now and I'm still alive," Legolas pointed out.

"Oh, does it hurt to have pointed ears? Do they ever poke you in the head? Are they sharp? Here, bend down."

Legolas reluctantly bent down, and Merry and Pippin took turns feeling his ears. Then they realized they could each feel one ear and they wouldn't have to wait for a turn. The rest of the Fellowship watched in amusement as the Elf turned red.

"Hey, Gandalf, can I try on your hat?" Pippin asked when he was tired of that. Gandalf handed it over and Legolas stood up gratefully.

"Boromir, can I try your horn?" Merry asked.

"Oh, me, too," Pippin grinned.

"I asked first."

"Maybe we can both do it at once."

So they both blew in opposite ends of the horn until they were both out of breath. Pippin grinned and blew one last blast. "Yay!" everyone cheered.

Pippin couldn't have been happier. "So _this_ is what it feels like to be in charge. I like it."

"Good," Aragorn smiled. "When we get to Minas Tirith, you can have my job."

"You don't want it?" Radagast asked.

"That's what I've been trying to tell these people."

Radagast looked over at Gandalf. "He doesn't want it. And the problem is . . . ?"

"They need him."

"What's wrong with Boromir?"

"Nothing. Denethor's the problem."

"There's nothing Aragorn can do about Denethor!"

"He can be king."

"It will take nothing short of forever to convince Denethor that he's even remotely related to Isildur, let alone a direct descendent."

"Have faith."

Boromir smiled. He knew Radagast was right. Denethor would argue forever that Isildur couldn't possibly have a direct living heir. Faramir just shrugged. Aragorn didn't even want to be king. The ranger wouldn't bother debating Denethor's opinion as long as the steward let him fight.

Pippin shrugged as they started to eat. Gondor was really far away, and they wouldn't be there for a while, if they went there at all, so no need to worry about it now.

"Wizards speak a different language," Faramir assured him understandingly. "I finally managed to learn it. Took years of intense study."

Pippin smiled. "I know. Half our meals aren't even in their vocabulary. Very primitive dialect." He glanced around. Gandalf and Radagast were still arguing, otherwise they would've been surprised that Pippin knew words like 'vocabulary' and 'dialect.' "You know," he added. "It's a good thing they didn't hear that."

* * *

**punkydoolittle–**I updated. :) I like these little smiley faces. :) :) :) Okay, so I'm nuts. I admit it. :)

**Rhys–**Hmm . . . interesting idea. Will be interesting to see if the Ring has enough time to affect Pippin before they make it to Mt. Doom, which, at this rate, will probably take a while. :)

**Arsinole Selene–**The question is, how long will he stay smart. :)

**Ice Ember–** :)


	11. Pippin is Smart!

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. So just sit back and enjoy what I do to it. :)

* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

"Didn't hear what, Peregrin?" Gandalf asked in a rather serious tone.

"Pippin knows words like 'vocabulary' and 'dialect,'" Merry said in amazement.

"And 'primitive,'" Faramir added.

"Did I say that?" Pippin asked. Merry and Faramir nodded. "That's strange."

Gandalf looked closely at Pippin. "You don't remember saying them?"

"Well, no."

"Strange. Very strange, indeed."

* * *

"Pippin?" Legolas asked as they were eating. "Why were you so interested in pointed ears? Hobbits have pointed ears, too." (A/N: Hannon le to Gods-Girl 12044 for pointing this out; I'd completely forgotten. You can't really see their ears too well most of the time. :))

Pippin felt his ears. "Yes, but our hair is thicker - it would keep our heads from getting poked. Elves have thin hair."

Legolas shrugged. "Makes sense." Then he realized what he had just said. Something Pippin had said had made sense! What was going on?

Pippin was equally surprised. "Really? I made sense? Gandalf, what's happening?"

"I believe I know, Peregrin Took. I feared this when you first volunteered to take the Ring." He turned to Faramir. "You suggested that Pippin's innocence might protect him from the Ring's corruption. This is true to some extent. Pippin will not go power-mad, as many humans would."

Faramir nodded. It was hard to imagine this sweet little Hobbit power-mad.

Gandalf continued. "Yet even Pippin is not immune to its power. It is not power that Pippin wants."

Aragorn shook his head. "I'm not following you, Gandalf. What's going on?"

"I think I understand," Faramir nodded. "The Ring is giving Pippin what it thinks he wants."

"Huh?" the Ranger asked.

"The Ring is making Pippin smart."

* * *

The Fellowship gasped. "Really?" Pippin asked.

"It's the only explanation," Gandalf nodded. "First, Pippin figures out about my hat. He knows words like 'vocabulary' and comes up with a good reason for wondering about Elf ears." Everyone stared.

Gandalf exploded. "Don't you realize how dangerous this is? The Ring may have far more effect on Pippin than anyone else! He'll never want to get rid of it! It's making him smart! It'll never be destroyed at this rate!"

Pippin stood up to face Gandalf. Merry stood by his friend's side. Faramir, Boromir, and Radagast stood behind them. Frodo and Sam joined them, followed by Legolas and Gimli.

"I think I understand, Gandalf," Pippin said slowly. "The Ring must be destroyed as soon as possible, before its hold on me grows too strong. I promise, I won't let y'all down. The Ring will be destroyed."

Gandalf immediately softened and put a hand on the Hobbit's shoulder. "Thank you, Pippin. I know what a promise from an innocent Hobbit like you means."

"Good," Pippin sighed. "'Cause I sure don't."

* * *

**Gods-Girl 12044–**Thanks again for pointing out the Hobbit ears thing. :)

**Ice Ember–**Hmmmm. No idea about Theoden and Palantir and such things. I don't plan that far ahead. In fact, I don't plan ahead at all, which is good because then I couldn't have made such a big deal out of the ears thing. :)

**Alza–**Yes, indeed, poor rest of them. Especially now that Pip is showing signs of intellegence. :)

**Arsinole Selene–**Feeling both ears is a little more reasonable than blowing into both sides of a horn, huh? :)

**Rhys–**Hannon le. For a couple of things. One, your comment about Denethor. I've liked Denethor ever since I saw the weird animated version of Return of the King where they completely mess him up. Glad someone thinks I'm doing it right even though he hasn't shown up yet. Two, thanks for the Pippin learning things from the Ring idea. I needed some reason for him to eventually not want to destroy the Ring. :) Muahahahahaha.

**SNAITF–**Finally decided that using the abbreviation is easier. :) But if you die from laughing, then who is going to keep writing all of your stories. :)


	12. Rivers and Eagles and where they belong

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Neither are a few weird quotes I use in this chapter, but for the sake of suspense, I cannot tell you where they come from. :) And if anyone guesses, I will be very surprised.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

They were riding. They had been riding for almost eight hours straight. All was quiet, because Pippin had finally fallen asleep.

Everyone was enjoying the silence. Suddenly, Pippin's eyes opened. "Rivers belong where they can ramble," the Hobbit said sleepily, and then dozed off again.

"Where did _that_ come from?" Gandalf asked.

"I don't know," Faramir shrugged.

"He actually said something that made sense, and it _still _didn't make sense," Gandalf complained. "I thought he was getting smarter."

"Maybe it's an on-and-off thing," Faramir suggested.

"Or maybe being smart was too much for his brain to handle, and he's gone nuts," Boromir added.

Gandalf shook his head. "He was already nuts."

"What?" Pippin asked drowsily.

"Pippin, there's something wrong with you."

"Really."

"Pippin, do you remember saying, _'Rivers belong where they can ramble.'_?"

"Uh . . . no. I said that?"

"Yes, less than a minute ago."

"Hmmm . . . I don't know, Gandalf. Must've had something to do with a dream."

Gandalf nodded. "Makes sense." There was a pause. "Pippin, you _are_ getting smart! You figured out that that must have had something to do with a dream! It's working faster than I thought!"

"Cheer up, Gandalf. I wasn't smart enough to remember what the dream was about."

"Good point! Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Pippin had a good point!"

"Gandalf," Boromir interrupted.

"Not now, Boromir!"

"But Gandalf!"

"What?"

"We're in Rohan."

"So?"

"Just thought you might want to know."

"Oh. Thank you. Tell me when we get to Edoras."

"Why are we going to Edoras?" Pippin asked.

"Good question. Aaaaaaaaaaah! Pippin asked a good question!"

"King Theoden needs our help," Radagast answered for his cousin. "He's under a spell cast by Grima Wormtongue."

"But wasn't he at the council? Grima, that is."

"How should I know? Gandalf?"

"Yes, he was. But the effects of his power may still linger," Gandalf replied.

"I wish we still had those eagles around," Merry complained. "We'd get there a lot faster."

"Eagles belong where they can fly," Pippin said right before dozing off again.

Gandalf shook him awake. "Fool of a Took! You're not making any sense! First you ask really smart questions and make good observations, and then you talk nonsense!"

"Huh?"

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"Merry said he wished the eagles were here."

"And before that?"

"You said we were going to Edoras because even though Grima is still in Rivendell, or at least we're assuming he's still in Rivendell, his power over Theoden might not be broken."

Gandalf shook his head. "I don't get it."

"Me, neither. Why would we assume Grima is still in Rivendell?"

Gandalf looked at Pippin strangely. "You're quite right. We must reach Edoras before - Aaaaaaaaaaah! Pippin was right!"

"Before Grima can return," Radagast finished.

Gandalf nodded. "And so we can get to Mordor before Pippin drives us all crazy."

"Mordor?" Pippin asked. "You just said we were going to Edoras."

* * *

**Ice Ember – **That's what everyone's afraid of, that he won't want to get rid of his smartness when the time comes to destroy the Ring. Muahahahaha. :)

**Gods-Girl2004 – **Well, he's not toooo smart yet, is he? And now he's talking nonsense, too. :)

**SNAITF – **Yes, Blue's Clues was a lot better before Steve was replaced with . . . I think his name is Joe. :)

**Thebrunetteditz – **Oooh, Pippin with glasses. Scary. :)

**Rhys – **Please don't learn to keep your mouth shut. How would you eat? :)

**Arsinole Selene – **Yes, my sister and I have actually tried it with my trumpet. Doesn't work too well. :)


	13. Magic To Do

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. _Pippin_ is not mine.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

"Gandalf?"

"Yes, Boromir?"

"We're at Edoras."

"Oh. Okay."

"Okay?!? Is that all you have to say? You told me to tell you when we got to Edoras."

"And . . ."

"We're here."

"Oh. Okay."

"Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!"

"Okay, y'all, we need to get off these horses and go see Theoden," Radagast ordered. Everyone got off the horses.

"Hey, Gandalf, what's that?" Pippin asked.

"That's a horse."

"No, the one on the horse."

"That's Eomer," Boromir told him.

"Hey, Eomer! Over here!" Pippin called.

"What?" Eomer called as he rode over.

"Where're ya goin?"

"I was just banished. I have to get out of here."

"Oh. Well, why don't you come with us? Gandalf can get you unbanished, can't you, Gandalf?"

"Who do I look like, Manwe?"

"Um . . . I don't know. Radagast, does he look like Manwe?"

"Not really."

"Oh. Drat. Can he unbanish Eomer?"

"I don't know, Gandalf."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really."

"Then come on, y'all, let's go unbanish Eomer."

* * *

So they walked up to the door, and Hama came out to greet them. "Hey, Eomer, didn't the king just banish you?" 

"Yeah, we're here to get me unbanished."

"Oh. Well, you'll have to do it without your weapons. You have to leave them here."

"Why?" Pippin asked.

"Because that's the rule."

"Why?"

"Because Theoden said so."

"Why?"

"Because he's nuts."

"Why?"

"Because of Grima."

"Why?"

"Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh! All right! You can go in! Just stop asking why! I don't know why! I just stand here and greet people! I don't need to know why!"

"Okay, we'll go in."

So they did.

* * *

"Hey, how did Grima get here so fast?" Frodo asked. 

"Maybe _he_ didn't stop for first and second breakfast and elevenses and lunch and dinner and supper," Aragorn suggested.

"Oi, you forgot afternoon tea," Pippin reminded him.

"And early late second supper," Merry added.

"And late early first dinner."

"And late third breakfast."

"And early first late dinner."

"And late second afternoon tea."

"Now they're just making this up," Aragorn sighed.

Meanwhile, Gandalf was approaching Theoden, saying something about shadows. Nothing was happening.

"He's not powerful enough," Radagast observed. "Saruman won't leave."

"He's not here," Pippin argued.

"He's controlling Theoden through Grima."

"Then get rid of Grima."

Radagast and Gandalf promptly turned Grima into a duck.

"Why a duck?" Legolas asked, confused.

"First thing I thought of," Gandalf shrugged. He looked at Theoden. "It didn't work."

"Well, when you and Radagast worked together, you turned Grima into a duck. So maybe if we all work together, Saruman will leave," Pippin suggested.

"Good idea - Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Pippin had a good idea! Everybody hide! Pippin had a good idea!"

"Well, can we try it?"

"Sure. Everyone?"

As the Fellowship was (A/N: was or were? Hmmmmm.) concentrating their mostly non-existent telepathic abilities on Theoden/Saruman, Pippin unexpectedly burst into song.

_"Join us - leave your fields to flower  
__Join us - leave your cheese to sour  
__Join us - come and waste an hour or two  
__Doo-dle-ee-do_

_Journey - journey to a spot ex-  
__citing, mystic and exotic  
__Journey - through our anecdotic revue."_

Before they had a chance to wonder how Pippin knew words like 'anecdotic revue,' or even wonder what that meant, or whether Pippin knew this song from somewhere or was making it up, Radagast and Faramir joined him on the chorus.

_"We've got magic to do - just for you  
__We've got miracle plays to play  
__We've got parts to perform - hearts to warm  
__Kings and things to take by storm  
__As we go along our way"_

"It's working!" Radagast shouted. "Everyone!"

Gimli, Gandalf, Merry, and Legolas joined in.

_"We've got magic to do - just for you  
__We've got miracle plays to play  
__We've got parts to perform - hearts to warm  
__Kings and things to take by storm  
__As we go along our way"_

"More!" Gandalf shouted.

Boromir, Aragorn, Eomer, Frodo, and Sam joined.

_"We've got magic to do - just for you  
__We've got miracle plays to play  
__We've got parts to perform - hearts to warm  
__Kings and things to take by storm  
__As we go along our way"_

"Look!" Eomer exclaimed. "It worked!" He was right - Saruman was gone. He had obviously not been able to stand their singing.

"Nephew, what are you doing dancing around like that with these lunatics?" Theoden asked.

"Trying to help you."

"Well, you certainly didn't help my ears."

"Were we that bad?" Gimli sighed.

"You in particular, no. There was one high note there that needed help, but you fixed it. But a couple of you looked embarrassed and didn't have your hearts in it."

"Didn't know you were such a singing critic, Uncle," Eomer admitted. "Pippin, how did you know that song, anyway?"

"I don't know. It sort of just . . . popped into my head."

"I've got it!" Sam exclaimed.

Everyone turned to Sam, who hadn't really said much. "Well, beggin' your pardon, but I _think_ I've got it. Somehow, someone figured out that the Ring was makin' Mr. Pippin smart and decided to feed nonsense into his brain because that's the only way they could counteract the intelligence. So that's where the nonsense is coming from."

Everyone stared at Sam. Frodo nodded. "Sounds good, Sam."

"Thank you, Mr. Frodo."

"That didn't make any sense," Merry objected.

"Of course it didn't," Pippin grinned. "He was tryin' to sound like Gandalf."

**

* * *

Rhys –** Awww, now I'll have to come up with something else for suspense. :) Hahahaha. I was beginning to wonder if anyone else had even heard of the play. I must admit to not having seen it, but my dad has a record of the songs and I borrowed the book from the library, so I have some idea what I'm doing. I also went and wrote a songfic to the finale, or at least part of the finale. Corner of the Sky is one of my favorites, too. You can probably tell I like Magic to Do, too. :) (_starts singing, sister runs off screaming)_

**Snaitf – **I heard Steve is a professional guitar player now. :) But, then, I also heard the Mr. Andrews was staring off into a picture of New York as the Titanic was sinking, so who believes what I hear? :) I really did hear that. My sister is nuts about the Titanic. (sigh) Q: Your species is always suffering and dying. Ian: If we are gone tomorrow, the world will not miss us. Smeagol: Man, what a pessimistic attitude two weeks before Christmas. Gollum: Two weeks before Christmas! Oh, man, that's less than a week before we have to leave for Wisconsin! Aaaaah! Nothing's ready! Aaaaaaaah! Precioussssss! Okay, that all came out of nowhere.

**Ice Ember – **Yes, Gandalf is waaaaay too serious. So is Elrond. So is Eomer. So here they are, crazy. :)

**The Skunk – **:) Welcome to the insanity, mellon nin.

**Gods-Girl 2004 – **There. The chapter is longer. Everyone is always complaining about my short chapters. :) What they don't realize is, considering the number of stories I am tyring to write at once, if my chapters were any longer, it would take me forever to update. :) But this chapter is longer mostly because of the song. :) And because I haven't had anything to do besides sit around and write fanifics. :)


	14. The Hospitality of the Golden Hall and D...

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Pippin is not mine. Nor do I own any of the candies or drinks that will be mentioned in this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen  
****The Hospitality of the Golden Hall and Diet Coke, Shaken, not Stirred**

"I'm hungry," Pippin complained, completely changing the subject before Gandalf could object to his remark.

"Quite right," Theoden agreed. "Gamling? Hama?"

"Right away, my lord," they said in unison. And before anyone could ask how long they had been there, they left to go find some food.

They returned shortly. "My lord . . ." Hama started.

". . . all the food . . ."

". . . it's gone . . ."

". . . it's all been replaced . . ."

". . . by pots and pots . . ."

". . . of these things," Gamling finished, tossing a small object to the startled king.

"This is Saruman's doing," Gandalf muttered.

Radagast took another one of the objects from Gamling and pulled off the paper. Before his cousin could caution him, he popped it in his mouth. "Well," the Brown Wizard grinned, his mouth full, "if so, I think we ought to thank Saruman. This is delicious!"

"Really?" Pippin asked, not waiting for an answer to get a sample of his own.

"It could be poisoned," Gandalf objected, but already the rest of the Fellowship, as well as Hama, Gamling, Theoden, and Eomer, were eating it. Wrappers littered the floor of the Golden Hall. Finally, even Gandalf joined in.

"Could you pass another . . . what was that called?"

"Snickers."

"Yeah, pass another one; they're good."

"I like the Milky Ways."

"Three Musketeers are good, too."

"And Hershey Bars!"

"And Tootsie Rolls!"

"These Lollypops are great!"

"And Starbursts!"

"And Sweettarts!"

"And Skittles!"

"And M&M's!"

"And Smarties!"

"Here, these are orange-flavored!"

"Yeah, they're good. I like the lemon ones, too."

"Hey, little brother, try this."

"Whoa, sour!"

"Exactly."

"Oooooh, pass a Kit-Kat bar!"

"Throw me some gummy bears!"

Everybody ate and ate. Finally, thirsty from all of the chocolate, Pippin called out, "Ya got anythin' to drink?"

"Oh, sure, we found these cans with the rest of the stuff," Gamling answered.

"Oooooh, throw me one!" the Hobbit soon found out that throwing it was not a good idea, however. As soon as he opened it, it flew up in his face. "Wow!"

Soon everyone was drinking these strange new drinks.

"I want another Sprite!"

"This Root Beer is excellent, but it doesn't taste like any beer I've ever had!"

"The Mountain Dew is great, too!"

"Dr. Pepper!"

"Coke is the best," Legolas put in.

"Pepsi is better," Gimli argued.

"Oh, dear," Boromir sighed. Faramir shrugged and went back to his Root Beer.

"Coke."

"Pepsi."

"Coke."

"Pepsi."

"Diet Coke."

"Diet Pepsi."

"Diet Coke."

"Shaken, not stirred," Pippin added.

"Huh?" everyone asked, but then went back to their drinks.

"Diet Pepsi."

"Diet Coke."

"Pepsi."

"Coke"

"Pepsi."

"Coke."

"Pepsi."

"Vanilla Coke."

"Vanilla Pepsi."

"Cherry Coke."

"Cherry Pepsi."

"Vanilla Cherry Coke."

"Cherry Vanilla Pepsi."

"Cherry Vanilla Coke."

"Vanilla Cherry Pepsi."

"Coke."

"Cherry Vanilla Pepsi."

"Cherry Vanilla Coke."

"Diet Cherry Vanilla Pepsi."

"Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke."

"Shaken, not stirred," Pippin added.

"Huh?"

"Look!" Gandalf shouted before the Dwarf and the Elf could start again.

"Where?" Pippin yelled.

"Out the window!"

Everyone looked. It was raining. Or snowing. No one could tell. Because whatever was falling, it was candy.

"Foul weather of Isengard," Gandalf announced.

"Foul, my foot," Gimli laughed. "This is great!"

"Don't you understand!?! They're covering us with food!"

"Great!" Pippin grinned.

"We must retreat to safety before we are all buried alive!"

"We must leave for Helm's Deep immediately," Theoden announced. No one seemed to hear him.

"If all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops," Pippin sang. "Oh, what a rain that would be!" Everyone stared. Pippin continued. "Standing outside with my mouth open wide. Ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah!"

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouted. "Don't you realize this is a battle!"

"Battles, barbarous and bloody," Pippin sang.

"We have to go to Helm's Deep!" Gandalf shouted. Everyone was quiet immediately.

"Um . . . Gandalf," Pippin stammered.

"What is it, Pippin?"

"I seem to have . . . in all the partying . . . oh, Gandalf, I think I dropped the Ring!"

Faramir looked around. "Where's Boromir?"

* * *

Oooooh, muahahahahaha. The Ring is gone and so is Boromir! :) And it's raining food! If all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops . . . . See, that is what I get for having a three-year-old brother. Ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah.

**Arsinole Selene – **Well, I cannot take credit for any of the weird songs. As Rhys pointed out, they are from _Pippin_, which I finally got a chance to see. It was interesting.

**Ice Ember – **Good. :) I try to be interesting.

**GodsGirl2004 – **Well, a duck just happened to be the first thing I thought of. :)

**xwhit3staRx – **Yes, I did enjoy the break. Lots of fun, got to visit my cousins that I really only see at Christmas or Thanksgiving (alternate year thing) and during the summer, so that's always fun. No, I am not ready to go back to school, but I don't have much of a choice, do I? :)

**The Skunk – **:)

**SNAITF – **Hmmm, you have a good ending for it? Well, that's farther than I've managed to think through on this one. Or any of them, for that matter. Considering this is a humorfic, it's pretty clear that no one is going to die, but other than that, I haven't got a clue. :)

**Rhys – **They put on _Pippin _where you live? Cool. I finally got to see the video when my dad got it from my aunt for Christmas, but I imagine it's a lot better onstage. And I have my suspense back, at least until next chapter. :)

**Thebrunetteditz – **3 AM? So I'm not the only one who stays up that late! When my parents let me, that is. :)


	15. Armadillos and Tree Frogs

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine.

**Chapter Fifteen

* * *

**

No one seemed to hear Faramir. "You lost It?" Gandalf raged. "Peregrin Took, we entrust you with the most important Ring in all of Middle-Earth! And you lose It!" The Wizard's face was turning a bright red.

"Easy, Mithrandir, I think you need something to drink," Faramir suggested, handing him a Sprite.

Gandalf promptly threw it all over Pippin's head. "Don't you realize what this means? It could be anywhere in all this mess! Do ya hear me! Anywhere! You people are such slobs. Look what you've done to the Golden Hall!"

Everyone looked. "I guess we should rename it the Candy Wrapper Hall," Theoden concluded casually. "Oh, by the way, Eomer, you're unbanished."

"Thanks, uncle."

"You're welcome, nephew."

Gandalf was still raging, and Eomer and Theoden were trading polite conversation, so Merry and Pippin ducked behind a pile of candy wrappers and drank their sodas. "Wonder when he'll realize the person he's yellin' at isn't there," Pippin laughed.

"Do you have any idea where It is?" asked a voice from behind their candy wrapper pile.

"Hey, Faramir, have a seat. And don't let them know we're here," Pippin grinned.

"I take it you have no idea."

Pippin sighed. "You're right. I have no idea. It probably fell out of my pocket when I was dancing or somethin'." He looked outside. "Still rainin'."

"You were planning on sneaking off."

"I don't want to be around when Gandalf figures out I'm not there."

"Hey, Pip, if we find It before then, maybe he won't be so mad," Merry suggested.

Pippin's face brightened up. "Want to help, Faramir?"

"Sure."

"Hey, where's your brother? I'm sure he'll help, too."

Merry looked around. "Where _is_ Boromir?"

"And where's Strider?" Pippin added.

There was silence for a moment. "Oh, well," Pippin shrugged. "Let's look."

* * *

Aragorn looked around the halls. Where in Middle-Earth was Boromir? Suddenly, he rounded a corner and spotted him.

"Aha!" he exclaimed. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

Boromir wheeled around in surprise. "Looking for the bathroom."

"Yeah, right, I know better than that! I know you have It!"

"What?"

"The Ring!"

"Pippin lost it?"

"Yes, you know that! He lost It and you obviously found It in all the mess! Don't play innocent! Why else would you be out here?"

"To get away from all the noise, for one."

Aragorn drew his sword. "I know you have it, you lousy Gondorian!"

Boromir drew his. "Who're you calling a lousy Gondorian, you mud-covered Ranger!"

"Why don't you blow your stupid horn and call for help?"

"Why don't you go run crying to your Wizard?"

"Why don't you go back to Gondor?"

"Why don't you go back to Rivendell?"

"If yo don't have the Ring, why aren't you in there helping them look for It?"

"If I do have It, why haven't I put It on already?"

"To make me think you don't! You're trying to sneak away while we're all busy looking for It!"

"Are you calling me a coward?"

"Do I look like I'm talking to anyone else?"

"Why don't you talk to my sword, you scraggly-haired freak?"

"Armor-plated chicken!"

"Barbarian!"

"Obsessed -"

"What is going on?" Pippin interrupted. "Boy, I thought Legolas and Gimli were bad with their Coke and Pepsi!" The whole Fellowship, plus everyone else, was behind him.

"He has the Ring!" Aragorn accused.

"I do not!" Boromir insisted.

"Don't lie to them, you puffed-up armadillo!"

"Overgrown tree frog!"

"Spineless Oliphant!"

"Two-legged spider!"

"Huh?" Pippin asked.

"Stay out of this!" Aragorn snapped.

"But -"

"Don't defend him!"

"But Aragorn!"

"What is it?"

"We found It."

"What?"

"It was under a Snickers wrapper. Faramir found It." Pippin held the Ring up.

Aragorn stared. "You mean . . ?"

"Yes!" they all chorused.

"Oops." He sheathed his sword. Boromir followed suit. "So what _were_ you doing?" Aragorn asked the Gondorian.

"Looking for the bathroom, like I said," Boromir answered.

"Down that hall, on the right," Eomer instructed.

"Thanks." He hurried off.

"Man," Aragorn sighed. "That was dumb."

"I'll say," Gimli laughed. "Spineless Oliphant?"

"Hey, he called me an overgrown tree frog!"

Gandalf smiled. "Faramir, is Boromir always so creative with his insults?"

"Not always. Usually more so with his sword." He looked the Ranger over. "I don't know where he got a tree frog from. On the other hand, I don't want to know where puffed-up armadillo came from, either."

Aragorn sighed. "You don't. Under a Snickers wrapper, huh?"

"Yeah. We actually found it before Mithrandir realized Pippin wasn't right in front of him getting yelled at."

Boromir came back. "So where'd ya say you wanted to go now?" he asked Gandalf, ruffling Pippin's hair.

"Helm's Deep," the Wizard replied.

"Let's try that again."

"Yes," Pippin agreed. "Yes, without the oops."

Everyone laughed. "Sorry, Boromir," Aragorn apologized.

"Hey, I can see where it looked suspicious. Musta seemed like too big a coincicence."

"Yeah."

"You still look a little like a tree frog."

"Yeah, about as much as you look like an armadillo."

Pippin smiled. Then he looked outside. "Um, Theoden?"

"Yes, Pippin?"

"Um . . ."

"What?" the entire fellowship, Radagast, Eomer, and Theoden asked.

"Does anyone have an umbrella?"

* * *

**Gods-girl2004 – **Yes, candy is good! And soda is good! I don't care what Coach says, it's good!

**Arsinole Selene – **Awww, I wish I had a puppy. I've got a bird. She's so sweet, but parakeets are a little hard to cuddle with. And boy, they can be loud sometimes.

**xWhiteXstaRx – **You get Monday and Tuesday off? Lucky. :) And I like super long comments. :)

**Ice Ember – **:) Boromir and Aragorn probably worked off a little bit of it just yelling at each other, huh:)


	16. If All the Raindrops

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Pippin is not mine. :)

A/N: Sorry that this took way too long. First there was track and then there was exams and now I'm going away to camp for a week, so I didn't get much chance to write on this.Will update sooner next time.

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen  
****If all the Raindrops**

"Who needs an umbrella?" Gandalf asked. "Let's go!"

The others shrugged, and the Fellowship headed out into the rain of candy.

"If all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops . . ." Pippin started.

"Not that song!" Gandalf shouted.

"Why not?"

"It's annoying!"

"So?"

"You don't want to annoy a Wizard," Aragorn smiled.

"Why?"

"Because they get mad, and that's not good."

"Why?"

"Because they can turn you into something."

"Why?"

"Because they're Wizards."

"Why?"

"Aaaaaaargh! I don't know! Just find something to do besides sing!"

"Okay." He went up to Gandalf. "Are we there yet?"

"No," the Wizard sighed.

"Okay." He went over to Theoden. "Are we there yet?"

"No," Theoden answered.

"Okay." He went up to Eomer. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Okay." He went up to Boromir. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

Gandalf sighed as Pippin continued the routine with Faramir, Radagast, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and random people of Rohan who were following them to the safety of Helm's Deep. At least it would keep him busy.

Suddenly, everyone, including the random Rohan people, burst out singing.

_"If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops,  
__Oh, what a rain that would be!  
__Standing outside with my mouth open wide!  
__Ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah!  
__If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops  
__Oh, what a rain that would be!"_

"Noooooo!" Gandalf shouted. "Stop singing!"

No one listened. "If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milkshakes . . ."

"Saruman will hear you!"

"Oh, what a snow that would be . . ."

"Stop, I tell you!"

"Standing outside with my mouth open wide . . ."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah . . ."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

At once, the candy stopped falling. Everyone stopped singing and looked up at the sky. "Huh," Gandalf shrugged. "Wonder what made it do that."

"Oh, that's what we were trying to do," Pippin grinned. "See, I thought maybe if we all sang loud enough at once, we might be loud enough to annoy Saruman, and he'd stop the rain, or candy."

Gandalf stared at the Hobbit. Was it possible? Had Pippin actually had an idea that had worked? That made sense? Or had he just made that up?

Pippin grinned as Boromir ruffled his hair. "But, really, are we there yet? I'm tired."

Theoden smiled. "We're almost there."

Suddenly, Legolas spotted something. "Wargs!" he shouted. "Look out!"

They all reached for their weapons, but realized they'd taken them off while they were partying in the Golden Hall.

Pippin looked confused. "What are Wargs?"

"They're huge ugly creatures!" Legolas called from the front.

"I thought trolls were huge ugly creatures!" Pippin called back.

"They are!"

"But you just said . . ."

"Wargs are smaller!"

"They're small trolls?"

"NO!"

"Then what are they?"

"Forget about it! We just need to get everyone out of here before they get here!"

"Where are they?"

"About a hundred miles that way."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's not a problem. We'll just go the other way."

"But the other way would take us straight to Gondor!" Aragorn objected.

"How do you figure that?" Boromir asked.

"Because it's three o' clock!"

There was an awkward silence. "What?" Boromir asked, now utterly confused.

"Simple, really," Faramir shrugged. "It's three o' clock, so the sun is in the west, so that way's west. The wargs are coming from the west, and a little north. Gondor is east and a little south. So if we go directly away from the wargs, we're going to Gondor."

"Oh. Yeah! Yippee!"

"No!" Aragorn whined. "I don't want to go to Gondor, and you can't make me."

"We have no choice!" Gandalf called. "We have to get away from these Wargs! We can get weapons and stuff in Gondor!"

"What about all these people? We were going to Helm's Deep to get them to safety!"

"We'll just have to take them with us!"

"All the way to Gondor?"

"Yeah! Let's go!"

Pippin grinned. "Okay. If all the sunbeams were lemon bars and ice cream . . ."

* * *

**Kabuki773710 **– Hmmm, well, looks like they didn't need an umbrella, anyway. :)

**The Mushroom Commander** – :) No, I'm not from Texas; I'm from Virginia, but then we moved to this weird-looking state called Michigan, so I'm nowhere near the south. :( But my cousins live in Texas, so I've picked up a little on the way they talk, I guess. Also, writing y'all is easier than writing out you all. :)

**SNAITF** – Yeah, no umbrella for poor little Pippin. :) Would probably be too big for him, anyway. :)

**Jousting Elf with a Sabre** – :) Yeah, the real reason I did that was I didn't want to go through all the trouble of looking up what it would be in Elvish. :) Plus it was funnier. :)

**xWhiteXstaRx** – I'm back! Hopefully I'll be able to update more often now that school's out. :) Yeah! It's out for good!

**Gods-Girl 2004 **– :) Yeah, I've actually used a couple of those insults on my sister. :) Not too often, though. She's all right for being only eleven months older than me. :)

**Ice Ember** – Well, it wouldn't have sounded the same if he'd called him an eight-legged spider. :)

**Arsinole Selene** – Awww, puppies are cute. And kittens are cute, too. We're going to Virginia to see my grandparents in a couple weeks, and they said they had seven kittens. Awwww. :)


	17. Gandalf the VanillaCream

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Pippin is not mine. :)

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen**

The Fellowship and the others had only gone for about ten minutes before it started to rain. It was real rain this time, and soon it was pouring.

"Mmmmmmm, this _Coke_ is good," Legolas said 'to himself.'

"Pepsi," Gimli argued.

"Coke."

"Pepsi."

"Coke."

"Pepsi."

"Cherry Coke."

"Cherry Pepsi."

"Vanilla Coke."

"Vanilla Pepsi."

"Diet Coke."

They both looked around, waiting for Pippin's response of "Shaken, not stirred," but the Hobbit was staring at Gandalf. Not because he had somehow managed to light his pipe in the rain, although that was certainly strange. No, the Hobbit was staring at something else.

"What is it?" Gimli asked.

"Can't you see?" Legolas said, shocked. "He's turning white!"

"Where?" Gandalf asked.

"That little patch there," Pippin pointed.

"Oh, that little thing? Probably some white chocolate."

But the little patch was growing. It spread over Gandalf's robe, his hat, his hair, and his beard. It even got his eyebrows.

Radagast shielded his eyes and knelt down before Gandalf the White. Everyone else decided it was probably a good idea, and at least they weren't walking anymore, so they followed his lead.

"I am Gandalf the White," Gandalf said, as amazed as everyone else.

Pippin looked hard at the Wizard. "I don't know. It looks more like Vanilla to me."

"What?"

Pippin stood up. "It looks more like Vanilla. Your hair's white, but your robe-thing is Vanilla."

"This is outrageous! It is not Vanilla!"

"You know," Merry grinned, "maybe he's right. Maybe it's not Vanilla. Maybe it's Cream!"

"It is not!" Gandalf bellowed.

"Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream!" Pippin teased. "Gandalf the --OW!" At that moment, he was whacked with Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream's staff.

Merry grinned. "Good one, Pip. O.W. Off-White. Gandalf the Off-White!"

"Oh, yeah?" Gandalf demanded. "Well, look at Radagast! That's not Brown! That's Beige!"

Pippin raised an eyebrow and looked hard at Radagast's robe. "Nope, that's brown."

"Legolas?" Gandalf asked hopefully.

"No, it's brown."

"Gimli?"

"Brown."

"Aragorn?"

"Brown."

Gandalf took a poll. Only five Rohan people thought it was anything other than brown. Of those five, four were color-blind and one was totally blind.

Gandalf sighed. "Okay, it's brown. And mine is white."

Pippin shook his head. "Vanilla-Cream."

Faramir smiled. "Whatever. No one ever uses his full title, anyway. They just call him Gandalf."

"Or Mithrandir," Legolas added.

Gandalf smiled, glad to have the argument over with, even if it meant being called Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream. Even the rain had stopped.

"Hey, Gandalf . . . ?" Pippin started.

"The Vanilla-Cream," Faramir added. Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream glared at him.

Pippin grinned. "Hey, Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream . . . ?"

"Just don't say 'Are we there yet?'" the wet, grumpy, Vanilla-Cream Wizard sighed.

"Well, something like that. We could be getting there a lot faster if we had horses or something."

"Should've thought of that before we left Rohan."

"Well, why can't Radagast just call his eagle friends back?"

"It would take a lot of them to get everyone to Minas Tirith," Frodo pointed out.

"Well, not all of us at once. Maybe send Gandalf first, with Boromir -- he wants to get back home -- and maybe some other people, too. And me."

"Me, too," Merry added.

"Well, I could try," Radagast nodded, and cupped his hands to his mouth. Out of them, however, came a sound that was a strange mix of a wolf's howl, a cat's purr, and a bluebird chirping.

"Ummmmm . . . try again," Gandalf suggested.

He did, and this time it was a frog's croak, a lion's roar, and an Oliphant's trumpet.

Gandalf sighed. "And all this time I thought you knew what you were doing."

Even as he said it, Radagast let loose an Eagle's screech, and ten birds came flying down out of the sky.

"Perfect," Pippin commented. "One for each of the original Fellowship. Get on, y'all."

* * *

Soon, Pippin, Merry, Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, and Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream were safely on their way to Minas Tirith.

"Wonder what Father will think when we land like this," Boromir laughed.

"Oh, you _know_ what he'll think," Faramir sighed. "He'll think it was your brilliant idea to get us back this fast, and somehow it'll be my fault that we didn't bring any more soldiers." But Faramir couldn't stay upset for long -- the view was great.

"Look down there!" Faramir called to the others. "It's the Argonath. Hey, Aragorn, it's your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-blah-blah-blah-great grandfather, aka Isildur!"

Aragorn sighed. "Don't remind me."

"The one with the bird's nest in its eye?" Legolas asked.

"How can you see a bird's nest from way up here?" Gimli grumbled, clinging hard to his eagle.

"I'm an Elf, that's how!" Legolas laughed.

Faramir grinned. "Look, the Falls of Rauros!"

"I think a stick just fell down there," Legolas teased.

Gimli growled. "Oh, yeah? Watch it, or the next one will fall on your head."

"How's it supposed to do that when we're way up here?"

"Ummm . . . maybe if we fly low enough, I'll grab one and throw it at you."

"Then it wouldn't be falling," Legolas pointed out.

"Aaaaarrrggghh! I don't care as long as it hits you on the head!"

Pippin laughed. "Can we fly lower?"

"Sure," Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream grinned. "Rewol ylf!" The eagles swooped down over the Anduin River.

Pippin stood up on his eagle's back. "I'm flying!" He spread his arms out, grinning. Legolas and Merry followed suit, joined quickly by Boromir, Faramir, and Aragorn. Frodo and Sam stood up cautiously, then Gandalf.

"No way," Gimli shook his head.

"Oh, come on," Pippin grinned. "It's not far to fall, and it's just water."

Gimli groaned and mumbled something in Dwarvish, but slowly stood up. Legolas grinned and flew his eagle over, its wing dangerously close to the Dwarf. Gimli ducked, trying to avoid the wing, but he lost his balance and fell into the river.

Seconds later, his head appeared above the water, his arms flailing wildly. "I can't swim!" he yelled.

Legolas and his eagle swooped down close to Gimli and Legolas reached out his hand. "Here!" he called, and the Dwarf took it. Legolas pulled him up onto his eagle.

Gimli shivered, clutching the eagle's feathers. "Don't ever do that again!"

"I was just having fun," Legolas smiled innocently.

"Next time, have fun without almost killing me!"

Pippin grinned, taking two cans out of a bag he was carrying. "Here, you two! Catch!"

Legolas caught both of them. He handed the Pepsi to Gimli and opened the Coke himself. "Hannon le, Pippin."

"No problem."

"Hey, everyone! Look! We're almost there!" Boromir called.

"Where?" Pippin asked.

"There."

"That's Minas Tirith?"

"Yes. What'd you expect?"

"I don't know. It looks like a huge snow fort."

"Snow fort?"

"Yeah," Pippin grinned. "It's whiter than Gandalf."

* * *

**Ice Ember **-- Yeah, it does kind of sound like a musical. :)

**Leo of the stars --** Well, sad to say, I don't know that much Elvish. Namarie means farewell, and mae carnen means well done, and mellon nin means my friend, but that's just about it unless I want to start looking things up in the back of The Silmarillion, which really doesn't help much in a conversation, anyway. There are some sites online somewhere where they have Elvish, but I have no idea what they are. If I find any, I'll let you know.

**SNAITF --** Well, that's debatable. Either Pippin's idea worked or he made up some reason for them to have burst out in song and took credit fora good idea. I'm not sure which.

**The Mushroom Commander -- **Yes, poor Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream. :)

**The Hobbit Lass -- **:) Faramir's one of my favorites, too, and I don't particularly care for what they did with him in The Two Towers. Taking Frodo and Sam to Osgiliath and trying to get the Ring to Gondor, that is. And they should've put more with him and Eowyn in The Return of the King. But, hey, they only had three or four hours to do it, so the Houses of Healing only got about ten seconds and a weird song-thing in the extended version. (grrrrr) :)

**Kabuki773701 --** I'm glad people think it's funny. Things like this, you never know whether people are going to say it's funny or just plain strange. :)


	18. The White City

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings.

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

The Fellowship landed in Minas Tirith, and Denethor hurried out to greet them. "Boromir!" he called, embracing his older son. Boromir smiled, a fake smile, but it worked.

"Faramir," the Steward glared. "You brought bad weather with you! Look! Candy everywhere! Fizzy little drinks in bright colored cans, everywhere! It's a mess!"

Faramir sighed, not even surprised anymore that his father thought it was all his fault.

But Pippin was amazed. "It's not his fault! What do you expect him to do about the weather? Do you think he _wants_ Minas Tirith buried in candy? And even if he did, do you think he has that kind of power, to control the weather? Wow, he must be very powerful."

"Of course he isn't," Denethor sputtered. "But he brought Gandalf, and Gandalf can certainly play those kinds of tricks."

"Tricks!" Gandalf exclaimed, and immediately he began to glow a bright Vanilla-Cream.

Denethor shielded his eyes. "Enough already! We've already got Mordor making sky-high columns of weird green light and thunderstorms day and night; we don't need a fancy light show, too! Turn it off, Gandalf!"

"Say they aren't tricks!"

"All right, all right, they're not tricks."

Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream went back to his normal light. "That's better."

"So what do you want?" Denethor demanded.

"We came to help."

"Baloney."

"All right, we came here to get away from the wargs."

"That's more like it." He glared at Aragorn. "But it's not everything."

Aragorn raised an eyebrow, wishing he could disappear.

"Hey, I can't do that," Denethor complained.

"Huh?" Aragorn asked, confused.

"That thing you just did with your eyebrows."

"What, this?" He did it again.

"Yeah, that."

"Oh, well, that's nothing. You just do it."

"Hey, look at this!" Merry called, sticking out his tongue and touching the end of his nose.

The Fellowship was soon full of people revealing their hidden talents.

"Hey, look, I can bend this joint of my finger without moving the others!"

"I can wiggle my ears!"

"I can stand on my head!"

"I can do cartwheels!"

"I can hit that fish in the river from way up here!"

Everyone turned to Legolas. "What fish?" Gimli demanded.

"That one."

"That's a log."

"No, next to the log."

"There's nothing next to the log."

"Sure there is. See, it just moved."

"Where?" Pippin asked.

"There."

"So do it."

"Do what?"

"Hit it."

"Well, I can't right now. I left my bow at Edoras."

"Oh, don't worry," Faramir called, hurrying off. "I'll find you one." He returned shortly. "Here you go."

"Hannon le."

"Lle creoso."

Legolas raised an eyebrow. "Hey!" Denethor shouted.

"All right, all right," Legolas said, aiming his bow. The arrow flew down, down, down, and across, and into the river. But had it hit a fish?

"I'll check!" Pippin called, climbing back onto his eagle. He flew down and picked something up out of the water. As he flew back, the others saw that it was, indeed, a fish.

"Ha," Legolas beamed. "Told you."

"That's not a fish," Gimli objected. "Just look at it. It's all bones and scales."

"Of course it's a fish. It's just a skinny fish, which makes it even harder to hit," bragged Legolas.

Gimli mumbled something under his breath but decided it was better not to say it out loud.

"Fisssssssh," came a voice.

Legolas whirled around, and nearly bumped into Gollum, who grinned and snatched the fish from Pippin, and began to eat it greedily.

"How did you get here?" Legolas demanded, glad that was the only thing he had taken from the Ringbearer.

"Friend brought usssss, yessss, Precioussss," Gollum hissed, but when the others looked around, they could see no one, 'friend' or otherwise.

"Well, just make sure you don't cause trouble," Denethor warned, "by order of the Lord and Steward of Gondor."

"Oh, but not for long, no, Precioussss."

Denethor took a step backwards in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Aragorn hurried forward and covered Gollum's fish-filled mouth with his hand. "Nothing."

"Then what I thought is true."

Aragorn glanced over at the Vanilla-Cream Wizard. "Gandalf, how does he know?"

"Oh, Saruman told me," Denethor shrugged. "Not that he's completely reliable these days, but I think he's right about this one."

"You have a Palantir?" Pippin exclaimed.

Every eye turned to Pippin. "How did you know that?" Denethor asked.

"How do you even know what a Palantir _is_?" Gandalf added.

"I . . . I . . . d . don't know," Pippin stammered. "It just sort of came to me." He brightened. "I was right?"

"Yes," Denethor glared, now looking at Aragorn again. "Heir of Isildur, eh? King of Gondor? You certainly don't look it."

"Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment."

"Sure it was."

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Not."

"Too."

"Not."

"Too."

Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream picked up a Dr. Pepper that was lying around. This could go on for a while. Everyone sat down to watch the two of them argue. Denethor splashed a Mountain Dew in Aragorn's face. Aragorn hit Denethor in the head with a Kit-Kat bar.

On and on they went. Soldiers came out to see what was going on. The Eagles flew back and forth with more random Rohan people. Soon Minas Tirith was full. And yet Denethor and Aragorn didn't seem about to stop.

"We have to make them stop," Merry complained.

"What are they arguing about, anyway?" asked Radagast, who had just arrived via eagle.

Pippin shrugged. "I think they just don't like each other. Kinda like Legolas and Gimli."

"At least _we_ know when to stop," Legolas sighed.

"Yeah," Gimli agreed as Denethor hurled an empty can at Aragorn's head. "We never went on for this long."

"You would have at Council if Pippin hadn't interrupted," Faramir pointed out.

"Yeah, but that was Council," Legolas agreed.

"Everyone was arguing," Gimli nodded.

"See," Pippin sighed. "At least you can agree on some things. Look at them."

"Give them time," Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream shrugged. "They've only known each other for a little while. They'll learn to like each other."

Everyone there nearly choked on the candy they were eating, and then burst out laughing.

But they gave them time. Hours, in fact. And eventually they did stop throwing things. Denethor stormed back into his room and Aragorn flopped down onto a pile of candy wrappers that had accumulated.

Faramir smiled. "Wow, he likes you almost as much as me."

Aragorn laughed. "I don't know how you put up with him."

"Well, I usually try to avoid him. Stay at Osgiliath. Go off to Rivendell. Anywhere, as long as I'm out of his sight and he's out of mine."

The Ranger sighed. "Well, that won't help me. If I'm ever made King, we'll have to see each other every day."

Pippin grinned, a strange light in his eyes. "Maybe not."

* * *

**Ice Ember --** Well, he just had another idea. :)

**SNAITF -- **Yeah, it looks whiter at night. Or when he's trying to scare everyone. :)

**Elven Jedi -- **Yeah, Pippin is one of the last people you'd ever expect to get the Ring. Except Gollum, that is.

**Jedi Knight247 --** Glad you like it. I actually got the vanilla-cream idea from my dad, some stupid joke he made. :)


	19. The Steward and the King, Take II

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. The idea Pippin just had, however, is completely mine. :)

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

"What do you mean, Peregrin?" Gandalf asked. "You have a plan?" Pippin nodded and whispered his plan to the Wizard. Legolas burst out laughing.

"What?" Gimli asked. "What did he say?"

"You'll see," Legolas grinned.

Gandalf nodded. "We'll try it. Go find Denethor." Pippin ran off to find the Steward.

"If he's coming back, I'm out of here," Aragorn protested. He started to leave, but Legolas and Gimli grabbed him by the arms. Pippin came back dragging Denethor by the hand, his other hand behind his back.

"Right," Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream grinned. "Now, Pippin has had an idea, which is in itself an amazing occurrence, but it would appear that our little Hobbit friend has recently experienced random bursts of intelligence from a source as yet unknown. Thus, his plan, however ridiculous-sounding, must be considered and paid attention to, for it may be that he is correct. Therefore, I have decided that his plan should be put into action, with regard to the difficulties the two of you seem to have regarding the rule of Gondor, as well as the appearance of a king and what is considered to be a compliment. In view of this . . ."

"What is he saying?" Merry asked. Pippin shrugged.

Legolas yawned. "At least when you Dwarves ramble, Gimli, you ramble _about _something. He's rambling about nothing!"

"Way to state the obvious, Laddie. I think I'll have another Pepsi. Tell me when he's done."

Gandalf didn't notice, but continued to make his speech, explaining, among random other things, the necessity for the King and the Steward to work well together, or at least tolerate each other. At first, his remarks were penetrated by several "hrumphs," but as he droned on, he lost almost everyone's attention and no one bothered to contradict him.

"A concern has been expressed by Aragorn," Gandalf continued in a monotone, "that the two of you will be forced to see each other every day. This is . . ."

Pippin nudged Merry. "Here we go."

". . . not entirely accurate, although certainly a valid concern."

"Gandalf," Pippin whispered. "They're asleep."

Indeed, both Aragorn and Denethor were sleeping soundly, laying on the ground, lulled to sleep by the altogether boring speech, which only Pippin and Legolas had really paid attention to, waiting for this moment.

"Well, it's about time," Gandalf complained. "I thought I'd have to do that forever! Now, quickly, did you find what you needed?"

Pippin produced two long pieces of cloth and a rope from behind his back. "All ready, Gandalf."

Merry grinned, instantly picking up on his cousin's plan. "All right! Let's do it!"

"Hurry, before they wake up!"

* * *

Aragorn yawned and opened his eyes. At least, he tried to open his eyes. Startled, he leapt to his feet, or at least tried to. He was held down by his left arm, which was tied to something heavy. 

"Huh, what?" Denethor mumbled in his sleep. Aragorn yanked on his left arm, and Denethor was suddenly wide awake. "What's going on?" he shouted. The King and Steward both tried to get to their feet, but ran into each other. Eventually, the succeeded, both breathing hard.

Pippin grinned. "Like my plan? Now you won't have to see each other; you're both blindfolded. But you'll have to learn to work together; Aragorn, we tied your left wrist to Denethor's right. Oh, don't bother trying to undo it; Sam tied it."

"_This_ is your idea?" Aragorn shouted.

"Well, not entirely. I just wanted to blindfold you. The rope thing was Gandalf's idea."

"And the long speech?"

"To get you to fall asleep, of course," Gandalf explained, "though it took longer than I'd expected, and I had to go off on several tangents. I don't suppose you were paying attention to the one about you and the twins."

"I'm afraid not."

"Too bad," Legolas said brightly. "It was really quite funny."

Aragorn sighed. "So now what? It looks like Pippin has forgotten a little something. If I'm going to Mordor with y'all, we're going to have to drag him along, too."

"Mordor?" Denethor asked. "Why would you want to go to Mordor?"

"Here it comes," Faramir warned.

"We're going to destroy this Ring," Pippin said cheerily, holding it up, forgetting for a moment that Denethor couldn't see it.

"What?" the Steward erupted. "No, you can't destroy the Ring of Power! It should be used to protect the city of Minas Tirith! Do you have any idea how impossible it would be to even get _into _Mordor, to say nothing of going to Mount Doom to throw that Ring in the fire!"

"Hey, how did you know that's where we're going?" Pippin asked.

"Well, it's only kind of obvious. What else is there in Mordor? A bunch of rocks and some dirt. Oh, and about ten thousand Orcs!"

Pippin grinned. "I like the way you said it better, Boromir. It was certainly more convincing."

Boromir smiled. "I wasn't this angry, either."

"Faramir, this is all your fault!" Denethor shouted. No one bothered to ask how he had come to that conclusion.

"It is _not_ his fault," Aragorn objected. "You leave Faramir alone!"

"And what are you going to do to stop me, you worthless Ranger? You think you will ever give orders here while I live?"

"Authority is not given to you to deny the return of the King, Steward!" Gandalf shouted.

"Sure it is!" Denethor and Aragorn said in unison.

Pippin beamed. "They _can_ agree!"

"Not exactly what I would've wanted them to agree _on_, but it's a start," Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream agreed.

Gimli laughed. "Come on, let's go see if they have any food around here." He headed off, followed by the people of Rohan, who were by now rather hungry.

"How're we supposed to eat like this?" Denethor demanded. "We can't see!"

Pippin shrugged. "Well, you still have one free hand."

"My left one! I'm right-handed!"

"Theoden's left-handed."

"I don't care if Theoden is left-handed. You think that just because the ruler of Rohan is left-handed, the ruler of Gondor should be, too?"

"Well, it certainly would solve your problem," Pippin grinned. "Maybe Theoden knows something you don't."

"I don't _care_ what Theoden knows!" Denethor shouted. "I order you to untie us this instant!"

"Sorry, I take orders from the Vanilla-Cream Wizard, not the Steward of Gondor."

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "I liked 'The White Wizard' better."

"Oh, well, I only take _important_ orders from you."

Aragorn smiled. "Come on, let's go eat. Which way?"

"Beats me," Denethor shrugged. "I got all turned around when I woke up."

Suddenly, there was the sound of glass breaking, and a Dwarf singing loudly, clearly drunk. "This way," Aragorn tugged.

"What are they doing?" Denethor demanded.

"Your guess is as good as mine." They headed through the door, making it through on the third try.

Merry grinned. "I think it's working. That was a good plan, Pip."

Pippin nodded. "Let's go eat."

* * *

**Celebrian of the Golden Wood -- **I think the two of us are going to have to agree to disagree on that point, mellon nin. Elrond is half-elven, or close enough to it. Okay, you remember Luthien and Beren? Luthien was an Elf and Beren wasa human. They had a kid named Dior -- half human, half Elf. He married an Elf named (checking back of Silmarillion) Nimloth. Yeah, her. They had a kid named Elwing -- 75 percentElf, 25 percent human, if you follow me. She was Elrond's mom. Now for his dad's side. Earendil was the son of (once again checking back of book) Idril, an Elf, and Tuor, a human. So Earendil was half-Elf, half-human. So, if you want to get technical, Elrond is 62.5 percentElf and 37.5 percent human, but it's so much simpler to just say half and half. Whew, I'm done.

**The Mushroom Commander -- **Oh, Denethor gets on your nerves? I can't imagine why. :) He seems to bug everyone. I actually like Denethor, and they did a much better job with him than they did in the animated version where they completely massacred everything and didn't even put Legolas and Gimli and Faramir and Eomer in. If you haven't seen it, don't bother; it's terrible. Except for the music; that's okay, actually kind of good. But the plot is messed up almost beyond recognition.

**Jedi Knight 247 -- **Yeah, arguments are so easy to write. :)

**SNAITF -- **Your brother likes to argue, too, huh? Sounds like my sister and my mom. :)

**Ice Ember -- **Well, I guess it is kind of a sort of comfort. Moreso just amusing. You get to see a lot of someone's personality in how they argue, whether they stay calm or just try to shout the other person's head off. :)

**xWhit3StaRx -- **Yeah, I figured that out after I posted it. I went to the reviews for chapter 17, so I didn't get everyone who reviewed a different chapter.

**Elven Jedi -- **:) That's what my sister said, too. "Pippin?" :) Then we both laughed our heads off.

**White Stone -- **:) Yeah, most of the random comments came from when my sister and I were watching the movies really late at night on too much sugar and chips and soda, and too little sleep. At least, that's where most of the ones at Council came from. :) We've seen the movies too many times for our own good, but they're terrific!


	20. The Final Threshold

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings is not mine. Independence Day and The Phantom of the Opera, both of which I quote in here, are not mine, either.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty  
****The Final Threshold**

"Well, Denethor," Aragorn smiled. "I'll have to give you this one: y'all certainly have great food here. Not that it compares to Rivendell . . ."

"And exactly what is so great about Rivendell?" Denethor demanded.

Everyone groaned. For the past hour, Denethor and Aragorn had done nothing but eat and argue, and had done considerably more of the latter. They were all sick of it, but Aragorn actually seemed to be enjoying himself now. While Denethor was still frustrated with being blindfolded, Aragorn seemed a natural, and was eating as easily with one hand as with two.

"The chicken might be easier if you'd just pick it up," Gimli suggested as the Steward picked at the meat with his fork, trying to figure out how to hold it and a knife in the same hand.

Aragorn grinned. "Hey, Legolas, would you throw me a Milky Way?" The Elf tossed it expertly to Aragorn's open hand. The Ranger tore the wrapper open with his teeth.

"That's not good for you," Sam pointed out.

"Which one?" Frodo asked. "Tearing it with his teeth or eating too much candy?"

"Like any of us could complain about someone eating too much candy," Pippin laughed between bites of a Hershey bar.

"Good point," Sam nodded, opening a Snickers.

"This is ridiculous!" Denethor complained. "This is my house! Mine! My own! And I'm sitting here blindfolded and tied to this filthy Ranger from the wild! In my own City! Mine!"

"My Preciousssss," Gollum hissed, and everyone but Denethor burst out laughing.

"It's not funny!" Denethor screamed above the noise. "I demand to be set free immediately!"

Merry yawned. "This is getting repetitive, isn't it, Pip?"

Pippin nodded. "Sure is. What do you think, Gandalf?"

"I think Denethor is right on one count. We should not be here in his City. We should be on our way to Mount Doom."

Groans came from various members of the Company; none were eager to set out again.

Pippin jumped up on a table. "Come on, y'all! Are you telling me you want to stop here and rest when we're so close to the end?"

"Yes!" everyone chorused.

"What?" Boromir demanded, jumping up next to Pippin. "What are you, a bunch of cowards? You want to stay here and wait for the end? No, we must press on, to whatever end may await us! Oh, the road may be dark and long, and none of us may know what we may find at the end, but I believe in my heart, my brothers, that it will be worth it! Let this be the day that will live forever in the history of our City! The day when darkness is conquered by light and Vanilla-Cream! The day when we declare with one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Let this be the day that our children and our children's children and our children's children's children and their children will forever remember! Let us go forth, perhaps to danger and darkness, but never to despair! Hope is ours! Courage is ours! And we shall win the day!"

Everyone stared for a moment and then burst forth into the loudest applause Pippin had ever heard. Boromir lifted the Hobbit onto his shoulders and shouted along with the rest of them. Even Denethor and Aragorn had stopped fighting, and were hollering along with the rest. Faramir hoisted Merry onto his shoulders and Boromir gave him a hand up onto the table, cheering and shouting.

"That was amazing, Boromir," Faramir grinned, "especially since you didn't agree with us at the start."

"Oh, the idea grows on you. I mean, it's completely unique. How many people would think destroying something like this was a good idea?"

"Well, apparently, all these guys."

"Oh, they're just on a sugar high. Trust me, right now, they'd cheer for anything."

"You even got father to cheer."

"For me, not the idea."

"Still, it's a start."

"I suppose so."

"Just one question," Merry called above the cheering.

"Shoot!" Boromir called back.

"Well, now that you've gotten all these people hyped about the Quest, aren't they gonna want to come with us?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, the entire point of this was speed and secrecy. These guys aren't exactly speedy or secret-y."

"Hmmmm, good point," Pippin nodded. "Maybe we shouldn't bring them."

"How do we tell them that?" Faramir laughed.

"You're right," Pippin agreed. "We'll have to sneak off. Come on!" The four of them crept out of the room.

* * *

"Okay," Boromir said. "We snuck off. Now what?" 

But Pippin just stared out into the East, wide-eyed. "We actually did it! We snuck away! We're going! Just the four of us."

Merry caught the look of fright that briefly passed over Pippin's face. "You know, if you want, we could go back and get the others."

Pippin looked at his friend, then up at the sons of the Steward of Gondor. "No," he said finally. "If we go back, we'll never get out again, and with all those people with us, we'd have no chance. We have to go on. We've passed the point of no return."

"Come again?" Boromir asked. "We've passed what?"

"The point of no return," Pippin repeated, then began to sing softly.

_"Past the point of no return  
__The final threshold  
__The bridge is crossed now  
__So stand and watch it burn  
__We've passed the point of no return."_

Boromir raised an eyebrow. "I liked your other song better. Magic to Do. Corner of the Sky. This was just . . . creepy. Very un-Hobbit-like."

Pippin grinned. "Good, that's what it was supposed to be. Creepy. Spooky."

"Well, it worked," Merry nodded. "Come on, let's go."

* * *

"Gandalf!" Legolas shouted. "Gandalf! Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream!" 

"What?" the Vanilla-Cream Wizard demanded.

"Pippin – he's gone. Merry, too, and Boromir and Faramir."

Denethor whirled around, twisting his arm. "What? Boromir is gone? This is all Faramir's fault! Where could he be?"

"Cool it, Denethor," Aragorn sighed. "They're probably all together. Did you really think they'd go off to Mordor with all of us on their tail?"

"Well, we'll follow them, right?" Frodo asked.

Gandalf shook his head. "No, at least not into Mordor. Pippin's fate is no longer in our hands. But we could try to create a distraction."

"Diversion," Legolas corrected.

"Whatever. We can go fight the Orcs."

"What Orcs?" Sam asked.

"The ones that will be coming out of Mordor," Gandalf shrugged. "Probably the Nazgul, too, and a couple dozen trolls, and maybe some Oliphants."

"Oliphants?" Sam beamed.

"Yes, Sam, and they should be here any time now."

"How do you know?" Sam asked.

Gandalf grinned. "Well, that would be telling, now, wouldn't it?"

* * *

"Precioussss!" shrieked a voice. 

Pippin whirled around. "Gollum! What are you doing here?"

"Must get the Preciousss, yesss, Preciousssss. Gollum! Gollum!"

"Well, you're not going to get it, so scram."

"No, no, must stay with nassssty Hobbitsssess."

"Why?"

"We knowsss a way into Mordor."

"Yeah, the Black Gate," Boromir shrugged. "Everyone knows about that."

"No, Smeagol knowssss other way, ssssecret way."

Faramir yawned. "Yeah. Cirith Ungol. Everyone knows about that, too."

Gollum looked panicked. "Well, Smeagol . . . um, Smeagol knows way to candy hoard inside passage above Cirith Ungol, can find candy and treatssss, yess, Precioussss."

Pippin grinned and held out his hand. "Good to have you with us, Smeagol."

* * *

**xWhit3StaRx -- **I haven't reviewed much in a while, either. I've been really busy. My sister and I were cast as Mr. and Mrs. Beaver in a church produciton of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, so now I have lines to memorize and have to put up with here trying out different high, squeaky voices. :) Not that I really mind; it's great. But between that and school, I don't have a lot of time even now that cross-country is over.Which is my excuse for not having updated this in forever. :)

**Gir the Insane Flamin Ninja -- **Hmmm, Frodo and Sam don't talk much. Will definitely have to work on that. :)

**The Mushroom Commander -- **Well, I can't blame you for wanting to see it; it's terrible, but it's definitley good for a laugh. If you want to see something really funny that isn't terrible, though, VeggieTales just came out with The Lord of the Bean and it is hilarious how much they took from the movies. :) (I have a four-year-old brother; I'm allowed to watch these things.)

**Jedi Knight 247 -- **Yes, Pippin's plan is working for the moment. :) Wow. He should have ideas more often.

**Ice Ember -- **Hmmm, well, things have to get worse before they can get better. Sometimes. Jurassic Park erupted into total chaos before . . . well, that didn't exactly get better. Never mind.


	21. Oops and Blackie

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings.

A/N: All right, so no reviewer response things. Oh, well. Solution: longer Author's Notes. By the way, half of this is totally random because I wrote it on a car trip to see my grandparents. Two days, about fourteen to sixteen hours, with a four-year-old brother. You start to go a little crazy . . .

**

* * *

Chapter Twenty-One  
****Oops and Blackie**

Merry, Pippin, Boromir, and Faramir followed Gollum all the way to the stairs leading to Cirith Ungol. "Come, Hobbitsesss," Gollum beckoned. "Come quickly. Candy hoard right up thiss way, yessss, Precioussss. All sortssss of chocolate and ssssugar and huge ssspiders, yesss, my Precioussss."

"What?" Boromir exclaimed. "Giant spiders! No way we're going in there!"

"Oopsssss," Gollum hissed, and scampered up the stairs, hissing and cursing all the way.

"'Oops'?" Boromir asked. "What kind of a word is 'oops'? Is that Elvish?"

"I don't think so," Faramir said, shaking his head. "Elvish sounds more . . . beautiful, more flowing, than that."

"Well, that creature makes the Common Tongue sound terrible," Boromir shrugged.

But Faramir wasn't done. "It certainly wasn't Dwarvish, either. They never use vowels quite like that."

"Faramir."

"It's not Entish; it's not long enough. And it's not Mordorian, either. And it's not--"

"Faramir!"

Faramir looked startled. "What?"

"'What'? That creature tells us there's a giant spider up there, and all you can say is 'what'?"

Faramir thought for a moment. "So let's go anyway."

"What?" Merry asked.

"You heard me. The four of us can certainly take on one spider. Let's go."

Pippin looked up at him nervously. "I don't know. I'm afraid of huge spiders."

"Oh, come on!" Boromir exclaimed. "We've come this far, and you're going to let one spider stop you? Why, didn't you ever listen to Bilbo? He took on a whole army of spiders, and he was just one Hobbit. We're two Hobbits and two men! What is one spider? Why, 'tis but a drop in the ocean of dangers, one leaf in the forest of adversity, one step along the path of trials, one stripe on the banner of terror, one tooth in the mouth of fear, one bar on the cage of peril, one--"

"Boromir, you're scaring them!" Faramir pointed to the two Hobbits clinging to his legs. "Try something a little more . . . uplifting. Go back to Bilbo or something."

"Sorry," Boromir apologized, then resumed his earlier tone. "A spider is but one leg of the journey towards a much larger goal, a goal that we have sworn to accomplish, by any means. And if those means be up a path with a huge spider in it, I say 'Bring it on!' Let that spider just _try_ to stop us! For we are determined! We are strong in our courage and our will to accomplish the task before us! We are a whole that is greater than the sum of the parts! We are . . . we are . . ."

"Hungry," Pippin interjected.

"What?"

"We are hungry. Gollum said there was a candy hoard up there. Maybe if we get past the spider . . ."

"Exactly!" Boromir grinned. "That's the spirit, Peregrin Took! Well done! We shall go forth! We shall brave the danger! We shall face the evil spider! And we shall triumph! For freedom! For Middle-Earth! And for candy!"

"Yay!" they all shouted. "Hurray! For candy!"

Just then, a Nazgul flew out of Minas Morgul and stopped right in front of them. "Who are you?" it hissed.

Pippin opened his mouth to speak, but Boromir clamped a hand over it. "Quiet! Its vision is based on movement."

"Then why does it matter if I talk?" Pippin mumbled as Boromir released him.

Faramir looked over at his brother without moving his head. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, yes," Boromir responded, not moving his lips. "Very sure. Completely positive."

"All right," Faramir agreed, and he ran.

* * *

Faramir ran straight away from the stairs, and the Nazgul followed him. "Go!" Faramir shouted to the others.

"Faramir!" Pippin called.

"Get back here!" Merry shouted.

Boromir didn't say anything. He grabbed the two Hobbits and shoved them towards the stairs. "Go! Go!"

The Hobbits didn't argue. They ran as fast as they could toward the passage at the top of the stairs.

* * *

Faramir ran. And ran. And ran. The Nazgul and its beast were right behind him. Suddenly, he jumped. When he landed, it was right on the creature's neck. The animal reared up and flew high into the sky, but did not throw him.

Faramir at first simply held on for dear life. But then he had an idea. He began to tickle the creature along its scaly neck. The beast flung itself back and forth, but Faramir held on.

The Nazgul, however, was not so lucky. After century after century of being neither living nor dead, its sense of balance wasn't what it used to be. It fell quickly to the ground below.

Faramir thought quickly. He knew he didn't have a lot of time. The fall would not kill the Nazgul. The other Black Riders would soon know what had happened, and come after him. He had to get back to the others . . .

Slowly, he inched his way backwards along the creature's neck. Grabbing the reins at last, he steered back to the passage of Cirith Ungol.

* * *

"Look!" Pippin shouted, pointing to the black shape that was approaching. They had stopped to rest at the mouth of the passage.

"It's Faramir!" Boromir shouted. "Faramir! Over here! Faramir!"

Grinning, Faramir steered the creature over to his brother. "How do you like my new horse?" He jumped off onto the ledge. "I call him Blackie."

"Blackie," Boromir repeated. "Faramir, you have got to be kidding."

Faramir shook his head. "Not at all. He's really quite smart. Watch this." He turned to the creature. "Blackie, I want you to go and tell Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream that we are all right. Tell him that we are taking the pass of Cirith Ungol, and that he doesn't have to worry; we know about the spider. Now go, quickly!"

Blackie flew off. "Wow," Boromir admitted. "Neat."

Pippin grinned. "You know, if he'd stayed, we could have ridden him into Mordor and not needed to bother with the spider at all."

Faramir processed what the Hobbit had said, then started kicking the stone wall. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"

"Hey, it's al right," Merry coaxed. "You said it yourself. we can take on a spider."

"Yes, but I -- ow -- forgot we -- ow -- don't have -- ow -- our -- weapons!"

Boromir looked at the Hobbits. "Ummm . . . oops."

Just then, there was a rumbling noise. Stones were falling from above the passages, upset by Faramir's kicking. "Hurry! Inside!" Boromir shouted.

The four of them rushed into the pass of Cirith Ungol. The boulders collapsed in front of the entrance, making a terrible noise.

"Well," Boromir sighed. "That's that. Now we have no other choice. We cannot go back. We must face the spider."

"With what?" Pippin asked. "We don't have any weapons."

Boromir stared long and hard at the Hobbit. "Oh, I think we do."

* * *

Muahahaha. Now Boromir has an idea. Okay, so it wasn't totally random. Some of it came from Jurassic Park. But either you already figured that out, or my telling you probably won't do any good. :) Oh, well. Happy New Year, y'all.


	22. Oooh, Now Here's Some Fun

Disclaimer: It's still not mine.

A/N: Okay, the title deserves a little explanation. I was in a play of _The Hobbit _a couple summers ago. I was the King Goblin (also known, for all you picky people, as . . . the Goblin King) and my only line was, "Oooh, now here's some fun." Despite how un-Tolkien-ish that line may sound, the play was a blast and I've been looking for a way to use that line for a while, so here it is . . .

**

* * *

****Chapter Twenty-Two  
****Oooh, Now Here's Some Fun**

Back at Minas Tirith, everyone was getting ready for war. Aragorn and Denethor were trying unsuccessfully to convince Gandalf that it would be easier for them to fight if they weren't blindfolded and tied together. Gandalf had sent the eagles back to Edoras to get all their weapons.

It was Legolas who saw Blackie first. "Look!" he cried, pointing at the sky.

"Where?" Aragorn and Denethor demanded at once. Then, deciding the Elf pointing wouldn't be of much help, they both called, "What is it?"

"You don't need to scream; I'm two feet away from you," Legolas pointed out. "And there's a Nazgûl coming towards us, fast!"

"Wait," Radagast interrupted. "There's no Nazgûl riding it. Something must have happened."

"Thank you, Radagast the Master of Stating the Obvious," Gandalf sighed.

"You're welcome, Gandalf the Vanilla-Cream," Radagast returned. Then, to the creature, "Down here, boy. Come on." He held out his arm for it to perch on, but then decided that wasn't such a good idea. He decided a little too late, however, and was soon covered in Blackie.

"Radagast!" Aragorn called. "Where'd you go?" A muffled sound came from nearby. Aragorn hurried towards it, right into Blackie. He immediately reached for his sword, but because it wasn't there, his arm ran straight into Denethor.

"Hey!" the Steward shouted. "Watch where you're going!"

"How do you expect me to watch where I'm going when I'm blindfolded?" Aragorn demanded. For that, Denethor had no answer, but simply swung wildly. By some chance, he actually hit Aragorn, and the Ranger punched him back. Soon, the two of them were rolling around on the ground like two little kids.

Blackie made a noise that sounded remotely like a sigh. "You said it," agreed Radagast, who had by now freed himself. "They're insane."

"He said that?" Frodo asked.

"Oh, yeah," Radagast nodded. Blackie proceeded to make some screeches, and the Wizard listened with great interest. "He says that Merry, Pippin, Boromir, and Faramir are all right. They're taking the Pass of Cirith Ungol, and they know about the spider." He stopped. "What spider?"

"Bilbo found some spiders in Mirkwood," Frodo offered. "Maybe one got lost somehow."

"Then the others are bound to come looking for it," Gandalf pointed out, using some backwards logic none of the others could understand. "We should go and warn them that other spiders may be on their way."

"Or," Aragorn volunteered, "we could go and intercept the spiders before they reach Cirith Ungol."

"Wait," Denethor interrupted. "Orcs and Nazgûl I'm fine with, but now we're supposed to fight giant spiders, too?"

"Of course," Aragorn grinned. "What do you think war's about? We have to fight everything under the sun!" He held out his hand, and an eagle conveniently dropped Anduril into it. Aragorn swung it wildly. "To war!" he cried, raising his arms.

Suddenly, he realized he'd encountered no resistance when raising his arms. He felt his wrists. The rope holding him to the Steward had been cut when he'd swung the sword. Instantly, he dropped it and undid his blindfold. "Free!" he shouted.

Denethor took a hint and undid his blindfold, as well. "And exactly how are we supposed to find this army of spiders?" he demanded, without so much as a thank you.

Aragorn pondered this for a moment, then pointed up at the eagles. Gimli groaned.

* * *

Soon, the Fellowship -- minus Boromir, Faramir, Merry, and Pippin -- and everyone else was happily flying over all the land between Mirkwood and Gondor, looking for an army of spiders. Almost everyone was riding an eagle, but Radagast had taken a liking to Blackie and was now perched happily on his back. 

"I see something!" Aragorn shouted.

"That's an Oliphant," Legolas announced, shaking his head.

"What about that?"

"That's an army of Orcs."

"What's that over there."

"That's the Ents. I guess they decided to show up, so they can handle the Orcs. We still have to find the spiders."

"I don't think there are any," Sam whispered to Frodo.

"What?" Aragorn demanded. "Of course there are spiders. I, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir of Isildur and King of Gondor, have said that an army of spiders is on its way from Mirkwood. Do you dare doubt my judgment?"

"Yes," Legolas called from his eagle. "We've been up here for hours, and I haven't seen anything that even remotely resembles a spider, even from this distance. I'm going back to fight the Orcs."

"Traitor!" Aragorn called as the Elf flew away. "But, then, killing Orcs is more fun. Come on, men!" All the men followed him and Legolas.

"So what do _we_ do?" Gandalf asked Radagast, Sam, Frodo, and Gimli.

"We'd better go with him," Radagast shrugged. "He might hurt something."

* * *

"You'd think these guys would take a hint and run," Aragorn remarked after nearly an hour of fighting. The Ents were trampling Orcs left and right. Swords were clashing and arrows were whizzing. yet the Orcs kept right on coming. There seemed to be an endless supply of them, and each just as easy to kill as the one before it. Aragorn yawned. 

"Getting bored?" Denethor asked.

"Yup," Aragorn nodded, his eyes starting to close.

"Still think a diversion was a good idea. We have to sit here and fight Orcs while Pippin, Merry, Boromir, and Faramir have all the fun with a giant spider. Oh, yeah, let's create a diversion. Let's sit here fighting mindless Orcs until we're bored silly. _Great _plan."

"Next one to say something sarcastic will regret it," Aragorn called.

"Yeah, right," an Orc mumbled, and its head promptly fell to the ground.

"Nice one," Gimli laughed. "Hey, Legolas! I'm on three hundred and twenty six!"

"Three hundred and twenty eight!" Legolas called back.

"Don't they ever get tired of that?" Gandalf asked, absently whacking an Orc with his staff.

"Apparently not," Aragorn sighed.

"How can they even keep track that high?" Denethor asked.

"I don't think they do," Aragorn admitted. "I think Gimli just shouts out a number and Legolas picks something one or two higher. I don't think they're counting at all."

"At least they're having fun," Radagast shrugged.

"They're the only ones," Aragorn mumbled.

Gandalf shook his head. "Frodo's still having fun. He's still fascinated that his sword's a different color than everyone else's."

Suddenly, Aragorn pointed into the distance. "Look! The army of giant spiders!"

Indeed, there was an army of giant spiders, coming toward them with great speed. Aragorn grinned. Now they'd have some fun.


	23. No Matter How Hopeless

Disclaimer: None of it is mine. Nothing except the idea to put it together.

---

**Chapter Twenty-Three  
No Matter How Hopeless**

"Oh, I think we do," Boromir repeated. "Follow me."

On they went into the darkness, following Boromir. Suddenly, they came to a dead end. The tunnel had caved in; there was no way out, either by going ahead or by going back.

Merry slumped down on a huge boulder. "What are we doing? There's no way out!"

Pippin joined him. "Yeah. We're going to die in here. Why did we have to come here?"

"Why?" Faramir mused. "Why, to dream the impossible dream."

"To fight the unbeatable foe," Boromir volunteered.

"To bear with unbearable sorrow," Pippin agreed. "To run where the brave dare not go."

Merry piped up, this time singing. "To right the unrightable wrong."

"To love, pure and chaste from afar," Faramir nodded

Boromir smiled. "To try, though your arms are too weary."

"To reach the unreachable star," they all sang.

Pippin grinned. "This is my Quest: to follow that star."

Merry nodded. "No matter how hopeless, no matter how far."

"To fight for the right," Faramir sang, "without question or pause."

Boromir picked it up. "To be willing to march into Hell for a Heavenly cause."

"And I know," they all sang, "if I'll only be true to this glorious Quest."

"Then my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest," Faramir finished. "And the world will be better for this, that one man, scorned and covered with scars, still strove, with his last ounce of courage, to reach the unreachable star!"

Everyone else stared at Faramir as he finished on an incredibly high note. Boromir blinked. "What was that? That didn't even make any sense."

"What?" Faramir shrugged. "What didn't make sense?"

"That last part."

"Oh. I kind of got lost in the moment."

"I'd say so," Boromir nodded. "Let's not talk about being laid to our rest just yet, huh, little brother?"

"It was only a song," Faramir protested. "And all of you dropped out too soon, so I had to sing _something_. Otherwise, it would have ended on a really weird chord and the line would have been left hanging there. I mean, what else rhymes with quest?"

"West," Pippin volunteered. "Jest. Zest."

"Vest. Dressed. Pest," Merry added.

"Addressed. Messed. Best. Guessed. Lest. Nest. Test," Boromir agreed. "There's plenty of other stuff."

"But none of it would make any sense," Faramir insisted. "And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious Quest--"

"That in the end I can sail with the Elves far into the West," Pippin tried.

Boromir shook his head. "It's still talking about the end. How about this: That my heart will lie peaceful and calm like birds in a nest."

"No way," Merry protested. "Have you ever actually seen birds in a nest? They're anything but calm."

"Do we even have birds' nests in Gondor?" Boromir asked.

"Sure we do," Faramir shrugged. "We have birds. And Merry's right; they're not exactly calm."

"Well, nothing is any more," Boromir reasoned.

"Oh, yeah?" Merry asked. "Here's one: That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm wearing my vest."

"While I'm getting dressed," Pippin tried.

"While I'm making a jest," Merry nodded.

"When my hair is all messed."

"When my mail is addressed."

"When I'm taking a test."

"I like that one!" Boromir interrupted suddenly. "That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm taking a test!"

Pippin grinned. "He liked it!"

"But it doesn't fit with the rest of the song," Faramir argued. "There's nothing in there about taking a test."

"Well, there's nothing in there about being laid to rest, either," Boromir countered.

"Yes, but--"

"But nothing! Taking a test it is."

"Oh, bother," Faramir sighed. "Just because something rhymes doesn't make it right."

Pippin blinked. "What? It doesn't?"

"No! Otherwise all the other stuff you said would have been right, too. But it wasn't." Faramir dropped down onto a rock, sulking. "Besides, the stuff that came after it doesn't make sense now."

"It never did, anyway," Boromir shrugged. "What were you talking about?"

But before Faramir could answer, there came a huge rumbling and crashing through the rocks, and a giant spider stood in their path. Four pairs of eyes became as large as Recees' Peanut Butter Cups and they all wished they'd stayed in Rohan eating their candy.

They were about to run when Pippin shouted, "Wait! Faramir, sing that last part again!"

"Your version or mine?"

"Yours! Quick!"

"And I know," Faramir sang, "if I'll only be true to this glories Quest, that my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest."

"And the world will be better for this," they all sang, "that one man, scorned and covered with scars, still strove, with his last ounce of courage, to reach the unreachable staaaaaaaar!"

At the sound of the four of them singing that last high note, the giant spider turned and fled back the way she had come. The four of them followed, still singing, turning blue in the face. Merry and Boromir were going flat. Pippin and Faramir were going sharp. The spider ran faster.

At last, they were outside, and the four members of the Fellowship collapsed and took a collective deep breath before they could pass out. "Pippin," Boromir gasped. "That was . . . a wonderful idea."

"Was that what you meant?" Pippin wanted to know.

"What do you mean?"

"Before, when I said we didn't have any weapons, and you said we did. Is this what you meant?"

"Oh, that? I just said that so people wouldn't freak out."

Everyone, including Boromir, burst out laughing.

Faramir looked at Boromir. "So does this mean the words were okay?"

Boromir studied his brother for a long while, as if suddenly he saw someone he didn't know standing in his place. "Yes," he said at last. "Yes, I think your version worked better."

Faramir grinned. "Thanks, Boromir."

"Don't mention it," Boromir nodded. "And I mean that, little brother. Don't mention it."

---

The funny part is, I heard that song about three times before I wrote this, and I only had to go back and change a couple words. :) I like that song. To dream the impossible dream . . .


End file.
